Sullen v.5



where I'm at now

Saturday, November 13, 2010

I'm 26 years old and so over trying to 'prove' myself to anyone now. If the people in my life don't love me for who I am at this point, or don't see/feel me adding value to their life, or don't want to consider it's potential and invite it in, then there's no sense trying to force something. And I'm not going to feel like a failure for someone who doesn't match well with me as a friend or more. I feel like I've weathered my 20s long enough to have a pretty good sense of who I am now, and who I'm going to be in the future. I think this past year has been a real exercise in coming to terms with that, and feeling okay about not being everyone's cup of tea. haha.. for lack of a better analogy at the moment.

I don't know where this new-found feeling of empowerment has come from...maybe it's from finally closing the door to a situation that was really holding me down and causing me to doubt myself...maybe it's just age.. maybe it's just being fed up by a series of events (and a couple of different people) where I realized they stopped adding value, or didn't have the character traits that I value. I'd say the biggest character traits that I look for now and value are loyalty, honesty, and compassion.

Maybe it's simply from realizing that friendships and relationships take work, but that they shouldn't take work at the expense of taking care of yourself.

In a series of events / people lately I've felt myself extending an olive branch -- giving a second (3rd, 4th..) chance -- giving the benefit of the doubt -- only to have mud slung back at me, but trying to mask the mud as a 'favor', or as something I should seriously be happy about or even thankful for. And at this point I say: time to cut my losses and invest my energy elsewhere.

Not all relationships in our life are meant to be forever. And I feel fortunate enough in my 26 years to have acquired several..some would say "many"..very good friends in my life. I don't think it's by accident. They have taken work, time / energy to peel back the onion and make a genuine connection, understanding, and have required taking the high road (or no road) at times, but I feel these people have also done their part, if not more, to make it work too. That's one of the secrets to relationships: balance. Not always perfectly in balance, but a good ebb and flow of give and take. When it starts to feel lopsided, it's just not going to work out. Sometimes relationships can recover when they've become lopsided, but usually, as I've found recently, if the weights on one side are just too great, then the balance will be hard, if not impossible, to return. At that point, there's no good sense wasting energy into that situation when you could be fostering it in other situations that have a better outlook and where both parties will be valued and cared for as they should be.

And, that's all I have to say this late Friday night.