Sullen v.5



because the sky is blue it makes me cry

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Just thinking.. how really happy and fortunate I feel to have paid-off my student loans a while ago. I take it for granted, but I was just realizing how really wonderful it is to not be held to a monthly bill and instead focus on the immediate needs and what's ahead of me. This thought occurring after I was looking at my university website and noting that tuition costs are (and were) about $48,000 a year. That amount is *crazy* to me! I also feel really blessed that I only paid a fraction of the total cost of attending (mostly due to scholarships) and have already more than made-up my personal investment with the jobs I've had since graduating. Additionally, I'm very thankful to have had the unique opportunity to visit and spend quality time in many different countries, live in a different part of the country while gaining valuable work experience, meet wonderful people, receive a top-notch education, and also live in a city that not many people will ever get to experience on a daily basis (nor do I think I'll ever have that opportunity again ... but maybe? :P).

I know it probably sounds like I'm being haughty-as-all-heck right now, but that's not my intention. I'm just genuinely blown away by all that I've been able to do up to my current age and extremely thankful. I know there are others who have done so much more than what I have and my experiences might not seem that 'great' in comparison, but I'm really just seeing things in the perspective of where I've come considering my parents' background and the circumstances in which I was raised. While my parents are not bad-off, they're certainly not the most well-off and they lived very modest lives. When I look back, I grew up on a freaking college campus for many years! Haha. So yeah, my parents had me at a young age (or what I consider to be young to have kids -- both my sister and I having grown up on campus housing) and I know there were some tough times for them financially. Still, I think because of their / our circumstances my parents taught me the valauble lesson of living within my means, avoiding debt, and still aiming to maximize on any significant investment that I do put out (funny because they used all of their college loans to buy a wonderful house for a very good deal, low interest rate, and paid it off in record time). And I can't help but feel guilty sometimes because I've been able to have a lot more experiences than my parents have, in regard to travel and such, but then again their experiences are of a different type -- starting a family and the joy / difficulty / learning that comes from that -- so I can't really feely guilty because it's not an apples-to-apples comparison.

And here I am today, working in a job among people twice my age, given the opportunity to prove my capabilities, and rocking-it (though there's a lot to 'rock' and I know there's a *ton* of room for improvement...which probably is what keeps me interested in the job). It's interesting because a dream-job, or rather something I've *always* thought I'd like to do but wasn't sure how I could ever get into the business, has come up. Coincidentally, I'd be a very plausible candidate for the position given my insight into what the job is (due to my current experience) and how closely I work among the person who is leaving the position. It's right up my alley and for the taking, and despite the politics involved with exploring this opportunity, I think my heart and mind are genuinely telling me not to pursue it right now! It's absolutely tearing me apart both in mind in spirit. One part of me says to apply, the other part is *strongly* discouraging it... and I think the strongly discouraging it side is actually winning. I've been trying to explore why this is, but I just can't put my finger on it! Maybe it's because I still feel there's a lot to learn in my current position, and although there would still be a ton to learn in a new position, maybe I don't want to start over? God knows the first year nearly broke me (even though I continue to feel broken, but at least much more empowered now). Maybe it's because I genuinely feel like the 'glue' for a lot of people in my current job (though I would probably still be the 'glue', in a different way, in the new position)? Maybe because, in a sick way, I actually enjoy the tremendous stress and responsibility that I have on me(though .. a new position could probably provide the same)? Maybe because I know with tremendous stress and responsibility comes a certain amount of job security (this is definitely where I'm more weary about the other position... it has sa lot of 'perks' / fun to it.. maybe not as bottom-line based as my current position).Not to mention the crazy office-politics I would face by putting myself out there for a new position and the wrath I would face, especially if things went far in the process of pursuing the new position but went sour and I didn't get it afterall.. I just know it would never be the same in my current position if that happened. And so I've been treading very cautiously in exploring this opportunity, but apparently I have allies who support me in seeking it out as well, and there might never be this exact alignment of the perfect support / circumstances I need to get this position in the future if I wanted it (not to mention this position is scarcely ever available, and it's one I thought I wanted the day I joined the company).

Wow. So there's just a sampling of the types of things I'm struggling with in my heart and mind right now .. feeling very torn .. needing to make decisions quickly, but both methodically and cautiously too. Things could yet again take a turn in my life and who knows where it would lead if I did pursue (and actually receive) this position, maybe I might seriously find myself in a 'dream job' and a new 'great' chapter?....... I don't know...another part of me, strangely, feels it's premature... it's a tough decision.