Sullen v.5



stand unafraid

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Turns out my intuition *is* right on (September 7 post).

Still feels like I was blindsided, got the wind knocked right out of me, and having a hard time recovering (if I do). Really need to pick up the "armour of God" right now and revel in what it is to be weak and trust God. I can't handle this on my own.

No doubt there are some crazy forces working against me right now.... there's not really a good explanation. People can tell me as much as they want that this is all happening because a certian-someone feels "threatened" by me... but that doesn't really matter now, does it. There's no way to prove anything and no one is going to listen to any argument about the senior from the'newbie'. I'm going to have to stand strong and stand firm right now... I really have to give it to God. This won't be made 'right' by my own doing. I really feel that I could do everything that has been given to me as an ultimatum and get no where. I've been deceived and there's no reason for me to trust anyone as having my best interest at heart anymore, even if they say they do. It's just people waiting to throw me under the bus with manipulated 'evidence'. I'm so tired of the real world. I just want to be happy and feel like there's some stability... I'm learning that I can't do this on my own and nothing is guaranteed, no matter how hard you try. I just want to give up and say 'f*ck it'.. it really begins to eat at you when you know you're doing a good job 80 to 90% of the time (given then pressures) and one (influential) person has to pick at the 10% with little acknowledgement to the 90%. sigh. It just eats at me and I think I'm too weak for this world's manipulations to bring me down. It's kind of funny. I truly believe this evilness in the world is going for the one thing that can get at me right now. I have to prepare for some serious spiritual warfare that is happening against me.

I just bought Anberlin's new cd today (yay).. and listening to Soft Skeletons.. I know it may not be about my situation here, but it really speaks to me.
"How can you expect to win this war if you're too afraid to fight?
Stand unafraid.
All the good souls stand unafraid."

For some reason I *really* felt like I had to make it to church today.. and sure enough, the message was directed *right* to me (Ephesians 6:10-11) and about what I'm going through. Crazy. I have some serious work in front of me with a situation here and I don't know what to do.. just praying about it at this point. I really want to give up and throw my hands in the air, but I don't think that's what I'm supposed to do right now, but I definitely can't try to do this on my own either. It's a scary time, honestly, but I can't worry or live in fear..... it's really a time I can bring myself closer to God and better understand His power and direction for my life.. really.. lately I've been trying to do this all on my own, really, and I just can't anymore. I don't know why I was ever trying. It's unfortunate that it takes bringing me to my breaking point to realize..