Sullen v.5



in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more
than the temporary trappings of this world

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Man. So I've been feeling a bit ill over the past week and this upcoming week. A 'mystery meeting' that was due to happen for work this last Friday got pushed back to this upcoming Friday. I've tried to figure out what the meeting was about, and a co-worker made a shady dodge to my inquire about it.. making me even more nervous.. and my intuition (which is unfortunately very accurate) tells me to not look forward to this meeting. The title of the meeting is very odd, not to mention the only other people in the meeting are the two people I'm most uncomfortable sitting in a room alone with. I definitely feel like God is testing my faith and trust in Him right now. I constantly have to remember to not be anxious because it's definitely not trusting in what God has planned for me. He really has not let me down, I've been blessed in everything (especially in hindsight when I thought everything was going wrong). Why do I keep doubting Him and getting stuck in the worries of this world? I feel like I've been getting little signs to not worry all day. There was this fortune cookie message that came with my food (which happened to have lucky number 22 on it -- the only fortune cookie messages I keep) -- "It doesn't matter. Who is without a fault?" . Then I decided to put my playlist on random and Natasha Bedingfield's "Freckles" song came on (an uplifting song that reminds me to have confidence) and then as I began to type this post, Nichole Nordeman's Legacy started to play...which really touched me.

I get so anxious thinking about any criticism that might be on its way. Sure I'm assuming the worst. I wouldn't be so nervous if it wasn't for my intuition telling me to put on my thick skin for something that is coming... not a comfortable or easy position to be in. As of this Wednesday I'll have been at my job for one year. That's a huge achievement (anyone who really knows me understands how easily I become restless). The bigger achievement is that I'm ready to continue on longer with this job. I guess I'm scared of losing a good thing. "Losing a good thing" is the absolute worst case scenario, but I know that's not what it's going to be... I just don't know what the heck it's going to be, but my gut telling me it's about something that's going to be changing... and I'm not sure I'm ready to hear anything about 'changing' right now. Nervous, but trying to be excited about what God has planned for me next. It's amazing how quickly a year has gone by and how much I've accomplished and grown during this time.