Sullen v.5



you taught me how to trust myself

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

ha.. that last post is kind of funny. I was so true about how I feel on that matter.

Well, I had a little further enlightenment on it all when I had a chance to visit with a good guy friend of mine in Vegas. (He may read this, he may not).

Anyway. He made an excellent point that I'm a bit contradicting in what I want.

I know this too.

I require advance notice, but then keep it very 'indecisive'/vague even when there is a genuine-expressed interest (in advance) on the other person's end. Sometimes I even cancel at the last minute.

I kind of already had an idea that this was something I had to work on fixing, but I never saw it more clearly than when my friend pointed it out to me. He even whipped out his cell phone to show me the exact text messages I sent that were 'confusing' and 'contradicting'. He came to the conclusion that I'd rather be told what's going to happen. This is true.. at least initially. I don't want to wear the pants at all in the beginning.... plus.. I know, psychologically (I read it somewhere) girls in general prefer when a guy takes the lead... so I think it's a fairly normal expectation of mine. I think I sometimes default to this even when not looking for it to necessarily lead anywhere (as in the case of my friend mentioned above). I understand the need for give-and-take in a relationship,and perhaps it's selfish on my part (or I haven't found the right balance yet), but I look for a lot of leading to convince me to start giving anything. Why? When I'm finally committed I'm fully committed... and I really feel I have a lot to give should I commit.
Anyway.. it was excellent insight from my friend and I really appreciate his honesty.

So.. conclusion is... I know that I really *do* like advance notice. I also prefer, at least initially, that there be a plan that I can just go along with. I have to work on not resisting/canceling 'the plan' if the initiative is taken on the other person's part (why I resist/cancel is still a little unclear to me, but at least I've identified the tendency). What else... oh.. I highly value people who are honest with me and who also appreciate my honesty in return. This has been a refreshing finding for me among some relationships. I've come a long way, myself, with improving honesty (both giving and receiving). I used to be a very hard nut to crack, and I wouldn't necessarily challenge others as much as I wanted to in order to understand how they're feeling/thinking better. Things have changed a lot on that end of things.. definitely for the better. It's strange what we have to go through (or at least I do) to learn and grow. I definitely now see how "the past is just a conduit" (borrowing again from a song I like). There are critical things that had to happen to help me along .. I can see how it all starts to come together and it makes me happy to realize that it's definitely all necessary for a purpose. Vague, but yeah.