Sullen v.5



we all share the pain of our histories

Monday, March 10, 2008

This has been a pretty profound weekend for me. I went to a film festival, volunteered to work a couple of sessions (which I would like to do again in the future), and really saw some moving films. I hope I was 'moved' enough to really take *action*. All too often I'll have this new-found inspiration, feeling like I really want to *do* something because of this 'englightenment', only for it to die with time and the reality of my day-to-day and the exhaustion that can set in from that alone. I want to do so many things, but then I think of the energy it will take and I can't seem to muster up the action.....I think it comes from my history as an early-age workaholic. I learned *real* burnout early in life, and as I often joke with friends, "I've already reached my peak" in life. I worked hard and because of that I got to experience many great places and people, and that has obviously helped in where I am today, but it was also a lot of work that often took its toll emotionally and physically. I *really* hope that it's not the case that I've "already reached my peak" (yeah right), but sometimes it honestly feels that way. I know what it takes to push myself, and I really know that I'm capable of doing a lot of great things if I put my mind to it, but then I think back to where I've been, and what kind of stress was involved.. often times pushing myself so hard that it led to an unhealthy lifestyle..high stress..little sleep..not eating right (not on purpose, it just happened)..relationships with friends and family that suffered... and I just want to be careful that I don't go back to 'that place'. I still reach very high, but not as high as I really could if I wanted to.

Maybe it's a *good* thing that I've recognized it's okay to be happy with 'enough' and not 'more than enough'. It's not happiness in mediocrity, but rather happiness in finding peace with 'just enough' (not to say I don't have moments where I'm *always* at peace with that.. :P). I don't know if working at 'max potential' is for my own benefit (trying to feel 'accomplished') or for the benefit of others (trying to make a difference), but either way, I think if I'm not taking care of myself then really it becomes hard to define all that I'm doing as my 'max potential'.. my max potential is working at a high level while still maintaining my health and sanity. ;) haha. I just made that up and, yeah, maybe it's selfish, but I think the definition works for now.

I think everyone feels that there's always a higher potential that they can be striving toward. In my case, I really *would* do those things, I definitely think I have the motivation, but I've learned over time to tell myself 'no'. Problem is, when I commit to something.. anything.. I take it very seriously and will follow-through 100% + more. So.. I have to be careful what I commit to.. because if I'm doing too much at 100%+ the that's when burnout takes over... and when I say's like running out of gas in the middle of a remote desert where there's no one around to help and I'm f-ing screwed because I've used up every last reserve to keep my car moving toward a destination. Bad analogy maybe, but it's all I can think of right now......

so.. yeah. We'll see. I'm excited about taking on a new project due to this film festival, potentially, but hestitant too because a project is never going to be just a little something on the side.. I'll do everything in my power to see it through to the best success possible. Which brings me to my last point. Prayer is so important in deciding what those 'projects' are going to be. There's still something out there I know that I'm supposed to 'take on' in my future.. some sort of mission.. but the passion/calling hasn't hit me yet (aside from what I'm already doing), and I feel like when it presents itself I'll recognize it immediately. In the meantime, storing up my reserves. :) So cliche, but only time will tell.

"you think you'll be happy if granted one more wish
but the truth is you'll never need more than this"