Sullen v.5



everybody knows that the good things
take a little longer

Saturday, January 12, 2008

little update here I suppose... the good news is that I have to give credit to a guy who decided to be upfront with me tonight. Everything went exactly how I expected with one slight exception: nice dinner, I tried to pay my portion and he wouldn't let me (as any guy who decides to take my Saturday evening--instead of lunch--honestly should do..), and instead of just goodbye and goodnight (what I expected), he decided to take it upon himself to define things. It was really great of him to lead the dtr and I highly respect that (as much as I was extremely uncomfortable with it coming up), but unfortunately the 'defining' things probably didn't lean in the direction he was hoping. He seemed to understand how I felt...although I probably said way more than was necessary because I felt bad. I'd rather not initiate the talk, but if they're brave enough to do-so then I'll be completely honest on a thorough level. So..yeah.. I got to walk away feeling like crap because to some extent he probably thought I led him on by accepting the invitation to dinner. And to his credit, maybe I did, but to my credit, I thought I had agreed earlier for a casual 'catch-up-thing' and it would be weird to say 'no' to dinner after already agreeing to hangout today. so. yeah. I feel horrible, but a little relieved too. I'm not saying that things are totally out of the question with him in the future, but I'd feel bad if he waits for me to come around because I don't think he knows who he's dealing with when it comes to the time that might take (if ever). I mean, I'm only ready to commit to the idea of dating someone one a regular basis when I've accidentally fallen for them over a significant amount of time *or* if there's a huge initial chemistry to begin with. I'm *not* good at 'dating' and hoping it works out where maybe I eventually fall in love with them. I've actually tried that method multiple times and that's how I *know* it doesn't work for me. And to my credit, that's why I don't like to go on a second date with a guy if I know I wasn't feeling it the first time. My friends say it's ridiculous of me to not give them a second chance, but seriously, I'm just real with how I'm feeling and know if there's potential there or not. Very rare will I feel potential immediately, but if I do, I'll know and I'll continue to see them until either he or I decide we're not feeling it anymore (which hopefully feelings don't fade, but yeah.. who knows..) It's those people who I have that immediate-initial-chemistry with that I'd like to be more upfront..'cause then we'll get somewhere (although I still respect/appreciate a guy who forces me to define things if I'm *not* feeling it). The people who I accidentally fall for after so much time as friends has passed, and maybe they fall too? yeah it would be nice if they were upfront at some point, haha, but as I've learned the odds are much more against that happening (guess I'll have to take on the dtr-convo for those situations..even though that convo will most likely never happen on either person's end due to a don't-want-to-lose-a-good-friend-or-freak-them-out-with-these-feelings-situation). soo yeah... these are the lessons of life? ha.. I don't know how to end this post....... just thought it would be a good follow-up post and explain how things are "for the record". This has been a little bit more stressful/crazy of a weekend than I ever could have anticipated.

To make things even crazier.... not that there's anything having to do with relationship/dating here (just an example of the craziness that has been my weekend)... last night I was having a good time with my roommate and some other friends.. my roommate and I were just about to go home, but then decided to stop in for a quick drink at this other bar to see if my other friends still wanted to meet up with us to play pool (they had left us earlier in the night to do eat dinner) ..... so as I'm waiting inside the bar as my roommate stands outside to smoke..I start to hear her talk to some people and I think nothing of it until I start hearing them talk smack against my favorite basketball team and I went outside to join her in the cold to see who these guys I walk out and she introduces them to of them looks at me and says, "she looks like a girl I went to college with.." I *also* look at him and say " look like a guy I went to college with.".. then he says "(my full name)???" ... and I'm like "yeah! (his full name)!" and then we're like.. "how crazy is this???" because we went to college together in Cali and spent a year together in an overseas program--and now he's standing in my hometown just chillin' downtown with friends???? He wasn't exactly a guy I was really close to when I did the overseas program, but still a really cool guy, and we had a great time hanging out and catching up last night. They invited me to go snowboarding with them the next day (the main reason they were in my town) so I thought 'hmmm maybe' because the guy I've been casually hanging out with (M*) has been asking and asking me to hit the slopes with him.. so finally I agreed (knowing my college friend would be up there too), but I got to the slopes too late, they were at max capacity and wouldn't let me drive up to the resort. So unfortunately I didn't get to hangout with my college friend again today, but it's cool and it was just so random/fun hanging with him last night..and hopefully he'll still plan on coming with his friends to the huge party I'm having in Phx for my soon-to-be-birthday. :) I still have plans to try the slopes again tomorrow with M*.. we'll see how that goes.. kinda excited about it.. little nervous because I haven't been out boarding for a whileeee now and I'm still getting to know M*, but the good news is that there's definitely some 'immediate' feeling there..still too early to tell where this will go..but the immediate/nervousness is nice in its own way.