Sullen v.5



Really need to be sleeping.. but..

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Here I am, writing. Today has just been so great and everything just seems to be shining bright all around me. I love feeling positive and upbeat and on a mission. Not exactly what that mission is, but I'm on one.. haha ("ook".. :P) yeah I know that might not make sense.. but that's how it feels these days. I'm on a mission to take on this life and embrace all that there is to offer. I feel like I'm just getting warmed up and ready to roll. I'm feeling more mature, with baby steps, in ways that are kind of new to me. For example, I resolved something with a friend today that was deeply bothering me and it could have led to the downfall of our friendship if I let it keep eating at me. I've never been one who's very good at expresssing how I'm feeling to people because a) it scares me .. and b) I don't want to be confrontational and it seems I've expected time to heal everything, but if I've learned anything over time, it's that wounds heal, but the scars are just that much noticeable if you don't put some ointment on it from the very start. That's a ridiculous analogy, but that's the best way I can express it in my quickly-typing-mode-right-now. The "ointment", in this case, is being upfront with someone about what's bothering me in the first place rather than penting up anger and/or resentment. I hate anger. I hate resentment. I want to feel *joyful* in life, and the only way I can do that is if I resolve what's bothering me. Still, I say baby steps, because I was able to resolve something with a friend today by confronting her about it.. but I've been friends with her for a *long long long* time, and I trusted that she would have as much interest in my goodwill as I have for hers... and even knowing that it was hard to approach her about what was bothering me. Again, baby steps, because there are still outstanding things I need to resolve in my life that I might just use the "extensive time" method to resort with it, but I'm happy to at least be taking baby steps from here on out with the conflicts that arise. It was good to have a very positive experience with expressing how I felt to my friend today because I hope that will reinforce that behavior (being upfront) in my future. She was incredibly sorry about how I felt, understood my perspective, helped me understand hers, and I literally went from being *very* upset to feeling back on great terms with her. That's the thing, I really am forgiving and never want to hold grudges, in fact it's one of the major things that I know holds me back from living life to the fullest if I can't work toward closure/resolving what's bothering me. I need to accept that some people won't respond as kindly to my feedback as I'd like, but I also like to think I'm a reasonable person who won't pick confrontation unless it's something anyone would be legitimately angry about.

So.. haha.. that's not even what I planned to write about tonight, but I just kinda got started on it and I guess I had a lot to say. :P Approaching her with what was bothing me was pretty meaninful for me since another friend warned me that I could confront her, but that she "wouldn't apologize because that's just how she is..".. I decided to call her anyway because she keeps texting me like nothing's wrong (even though I've been pretty cold in return) and quite to the contrary of my friend's warning, the friend I was upset with was very heartfelt in her apology, which I sincerely appreciated.

I'm really feeling good about my friendships/happenings in everything these days, and that's really important to my wellbeing in general. I'm so thankful for the people I have found who continue to shape my life, my values, my thoughts.. everything.