so I took this crazy long test that one of my roommates showed me (found it on some dating site?).. and it's funny how thorough/accurate it is about what I'm looking for in a guy. If anyone wants to date me, now I feel like I should just redirect them to my test result here and see if our values are at all compatible. haha. (kidding) :P I love the "bottom lines".. I feel like I'm always over-analyzing things (especially what I want in a guy, job, life, etc... oh how sad it is to be indecisive--sometimes I wish I could just take a pill for indecisiveness), and the "bottom line" just nicely sums up the ideal for me.
ahha... so.. posting this just for fun.. and as a reference in this journal as I've done a lot of soul-searching and this clarifies where I'm at now, without having to type about it, to some degree..
Interdependence refers to how much you need dependency or a “couple identity” with your partner. You are moderately interdependent in a relationship. This means that you desire a good degree of physical and emotional connection with a partner. And you absolutely are drawn to someone whom you can respect and even emulate to some degree. In fact, it is quite common for a person in this score range to consider how your romantic partner would reflect on your family and friends. This all does not mean that you do not need personal space now and then; nearly everyone values being unique and different from others in some respects. However, people in this range draw strength, comfort and a strong sense of identity from their close relationships. Thus, when you feel close to someone this person becomes an extremely important part of who you are on the inside and outside. You probably prefer that you and your partner’s recreational activities be shared together since you like having your partner physically close and you desire showing off your “couplehood” in public.
Bottom line: you need someone who likes frequent physical and emotional connection like you do, but who helps keeps dependency in check in the relationship so that you two do not lose your identities as individuals.
“Do you think couples can ever get to the point when they spend too much time together? – and if so, how do you know when that point is?”
“How much time away from a lover do you think you need in a given week? – and what kinds of things do you like to do for yourself during your free time?”
“What really makes a date or any time with a partner truly special for you?”
Intimacy refers to the how much you need emotional closeness with your partner. You have emotional intimacy to offer a partner – but that intimacy is expected to grow gradually over time. People in this scoring range are open with a partner when it comes to lessons learned from past experiences and relationships. You long for emotional closeness and security with a special person. In fact, you probably would feel uncomfortable if there were serious secrets kept from your partner. You likely see a partner as a best friend and your foremost confidant. There is likely no hesitation discussing current problems or concerns with that person. It also seems that you have realistic expectations for a committed relationship. However, you are acutely aware of the risks that come with intimacy. You may find yourself frequently wondering whether your devotion and adoration will be reciprocated or whether your partner’s feelings will change. For this reason, people in this scoring range frequently neither lower their guard completely nor allow themselves to be fully emotional vulnerable.
Bottom line: you need someone who will understand and accept a slow pace for emotional intimacy with you and provide frequent reassurance of their feelings and intentions as the relationship is taken to progressive levels.
“What levels of self-disclosure have occurred at various stages of your past relationships? – and if you could do any of it over, what would you do?”
“How often do you have the experience of meeting someone and trusting them so completely that you share just about everything about yourself at the first meeting?”
“What kind of reassurance and feedback do you like to give and receive in a relationship?”
Issues you seem to Over-value
I am afraid that once I make a commitment to a partner, I will lose my freedom or identity. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you are not truly committed to your partner, that you are selfish and self centered or that you have unrealistic expectations. On the positive side, it could mean that you have a healthy degree of individuality and independence or that you have a good understanding of your fears.
Self-Efficacy refers to your self-image, stability of mood and level of motivation. People like you are characterized by a strong self-esteem, sense of self and sense of accomplishment. Those who know you best would likely describe you as influential, patient and accepting of others – and calm, cool and collected most of the time. You are content with your personal qualities and feel you are an attractive person. Moreover, you probably have a good sense of control over the events in your life and are decisive in managing your life. In this sense, you likely do not overreact to circumstances as others might do. Rather, people in your scoring range are quite adaptable and are able to maintain a balanced perspective on situations. Additionally, you are also very influential and persuasive with others. Therefore, it is expected that family, friends and acquaintances often come to you for ideas of guidance across a range of issues. You are confident that people who are important in your life understand you, but you also tend to be comfortable not giving in to peer, family and other social pressures. Family is indeed important to you, but their expectations do not strongly influence your life. Instead, people who score like you tend to have their own well-defined ambitions and goals – and may even set specific benchmarks to monitor the progress made toward achievements.
Bottom line: you need a partner who is energetic, enthusiastic and has high self-efficacy like you and will support or even participate in your personal and professional interests that feed your sense of identity and accomplishment.
“To what extent do you need a job or hobbies that allow you to express your energy and creativity?”
“Do you like solving the challenges that work and home life throw at you? Why or Why not? “
“What are some of the best ways to turn around a ‘bad day’?”
Relationship Readiness refers to how prepared you are emotionally, psychologically and pragmatically for a committed relationship. You seem to have a good foundation and appear pretty much ready and willing to find a committed relationship. In fact, most people in this scoring range have a clear vision and a sense of purpose for their life. They have the ability to connect with others, they have well defined ideas about where their life is headed and they are assertive and resourceful in meeting their goals. Therefore, you likely feel in control and are able to take charge and go after what you want in life and in a relationship. Your housekeeping is also probably in check – meaning that you do not have any negative baggage that can weigh down a relationship, like financial or legal problems or emotional, health or family issues. As such, you do not seem to be seeking a relationship primarily to fill a void in your life or to gain a feeling of acceptance and belonging that was weakened or lost due to other relationships that ended or disappointed you. Rather, it seems to be that you are striving for a balance in your life and that now includes wanting to offer everything you can to a partner.
Bottom line: you need someone who wants a relationship, rather than needs one to feel personally fulfilled.
“Tell me in what ways you are a happy and successful single”
“Are you truly happy with the way you have lived your life? Explain”
Are there any ways in which you feel your life is not balanced?”
Communication refers to your approach to interpersonal interactions and level of emotional intelligence. Effective communicators have strong emotional intelligence, and you seem to have an excellent level of emotional intelligence. It is expected that you show considerable tolerance of ambiguity and emotional expression. You have the capacity for being extremely sensitive to other’s feelings and to their body language. Those who know you well would probably describe you as patient and eager to listen to others. People in this scoring range are also not afraid of making or admitting to mistakes. They consistently and bravely show vulnerability to others. In fact, they are keenly aware how their behavior impacts others. You can communicate your needs and feelings honestly when someone engages you directly, but you may not always take the initiative to be assertive with others. In this sense, it is likely that you seek to understand others, rather than seek for others to understand you.
Bottom line: you need someone who will not put up emotional barriers when you seek to understand his/her thoughts and feelings, but rather will communicate with you intimately and candidly.
“Do you ever feel afraid that once a romantic partner gets to know you really well, that s/he will like who you really are or will think less of you?”
“Do you find it difficult to trust a romantic partner completely? Explain”
“Would you feel uncomfortable telling your partner about things in the past of which you felt ashamed?”
Conflict Resolution refers to your stress management and problem solving skills. Effective conflict resolution has nine general elements: View Conflict as Positive; Address Conflict in the Proper Atmosphere; Clarify Perceptions; Note Needs, not wants; Draw on the Power of a Positive Partnership; Focus on the Future, then learn from the past; Identify Options for Mutual Gain; Develop ‘Doables’ or stepping stones to action; and Make Mutually-Beneficial Agreements. Your score indicates that you are fairly strong on all of these basic elements, except for Making Mutually-Beneficial Agreements. This suggests that you are very flexible and action-oriented when addressing problems, yet not so eager to find resolution that you settle for quick, temporary agreements. Settling on a temporary agreement is often a way of avoiding conflict, and it can lead to needs not being met. You do not seem to avoid conflict; instead you appear to evaluate the possible solutions and then actively engage your partner to work on a positive outcome for the relationship.
Bottom line: you need someone who will join you in taking time to find a complete and genuine resolution to issues as opposed to avoiding conflict by settling for quick, temporary agreements.
“Would you say that you have a hard time accepting that some mysteries in life just can not be solved? Explain”
“Does it help you to solve problems by thinking of your own past experiences and knowledge in new ways?”
“In your experience, does knowing too much about a problem hinder or help you resolve it?”
Sexuality refers to your needs (frequency, boundaries, expressions) related to physical intimacy. Scientific models of love and attachment always include physical chemistry and sexuality. It is a crucial topic for any couple to address, because it involves issues of control and vulnerability. People at your scoring level have a firm sense of their sexual orientation, preferred sexual activities and comfort level. You like sex that is romantic, adventurous and fun, but for you sex is not a casual event. Sex has great importance in your relationship, and it is reserved for someone you love. You may think your sexual preferences would be viewed as conservative by others, but you are no prude. You are confident in your own sexual ability and are open to try various activities. In fact, you probably like to experiment actively. A defining characteristic of people in this scoring range is their willingness to be vulnerable and relinquish control in the bedroom to their partners. In other words, you are not sexually selfish – you like to focus on pleasing your partner and submitting to his/her desires.
Bottom line: you need someone who regards sex as a meaningful bond between people in love and who appreciates being the center of attention in the bedroom.
“Would you eagerly talk to your partner about your sexual fantasies?”
“Is it like you to direct your partner what to do in bed so s/he knows best how to please you?”
“In your mind, is there any difference between ‘having sex’ and ‘making love’?”
Issues you seem to Over-value
I wait until I am in love with a person before having sex with him/her. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you are neither spontaneous nor passionate or that you are ambivalent. On the positive side, it could mean that you prefer a deep and meaningful attachment to a partner, that you have good self esteem, that you are neither selfish nor hedonistic or that you are not impulsive in thought, feeling and deed.
Attitudes toward love
Attitudes Toward Love refers to your level of needs for romantic love and friendship love. There are two main types of love – Romantic Love and Companionate Love. Romantic Love is passionate, emotional and intense, whereas Companionate Love is a deep, affectionate attachment. People feel these two types of loves to different degrees in a relationship, and the levels of each can fluctuate over time. You scored as someone who may be best described as “a “hopeless romantic on the inside and a realist on the outside.” This means that you value very highly both the safety, security and comfort of Companionate Love and the excitement and passion of Romantic Love. You desire someone who is on the same wavelength as you –sharing similar attitudes, moods and impulses. You are a clearly a hybrid, and someone who probably views love as a transcendent thing. That is, you regard true love as a precious and rare state that must be nurtured to grow and thrive. Most people in this scoring range believe that a passionate sex life is not the most important factor in a stable and satisfying relationship. Rather, a relationship must be nurtured with acceptance and compete connectedness with a partner – a couple building and possessively protecting their “own world.”
Bottom line: You need someone whose highest priority is your relationship and is willing to do the hard work to keep a transcendent level of love alive in the relationship.
“If a partner professed that s/he would do almost anything for you, would you see that as healthy or unhealthy love?”
“When you are separated from a partner, does the rest of the world often seem dull and unsatisfying?”
“Do you think that a person must have great confidence in his/her partner’s judgment in order for the relationship to work?”
Preferred Expressions of Affection
Preferred Expressions of Affection refers to your likes and dislikes for different ways a partner can express love and devotion. There are many ways in which people show affection to their loved ones: physical touch, doing favors, spending time together, giving gifts or communicating love through words. Statistically, you gave higher weighted ratings to Physical Touch.
Bottom line: You need someone who can express affection through touch – a playful tickle, holding hands, hugs and kisses or a light touch as s/he passes by.
“How do you flirt physically with a partner and how often do you like to?”
“Do you like to act like a kid and playfully wrestle or have a tickle or pillow fight with a partner?”
“How comfortable are you with PDAs (Public Displays of Affection) and which kinds?”
Out of the various modes of expressing affection, Verbal Communication received lower weighted ratings from you.
Bottom line: This does not mean that you neither like nor need Verbal Communication. Rather, it suggests that you need someone who can show affection in ways other than just verbal expressions such as spontaneous compliments, frequent “I love you’s,” occasional notes for you to find and recognition of your achievements.
“Is it important for you to hear ‘I love you’ every time you talk to your significant other?”
“Do people typically have to fish for compliments from you?”
“Do you like to exchange emails with your partner during the day… or talk for long periods on the phone when apart?”
There's the ideal. :P