Sullen v.5



Standing on the Edge of This

Monday, June 18, 2007

So I'm having this minor panic attack right now. Well, not really, because I don't think I can honestly say I know (or have felt) what a real "panic attack" is like.. but what I do have: An uneasy feeling in my stomach and a knot-feeling building in my throat. Granted, this isn't some "sudden" development.. it's probably been with me since graduating last year, or since I quit my job as a director after 9 months. So what is this really about? I think this is about the ambiguous nature of my direction in life right now.

And today I am especially anxious.

After much research, self-examination, and reflection, I finally feel like I'm arriving at some clarity in regard to the direction I have to take.

So why the increase in anxiousness? It turns out that the steps I have to take are not going to be easy. In fact, I am quite possibly *dreading* what's ahead of me in order to arrive at my ultimate goal(s). I've never been one to aim low, and the future is no exception, heh, but I know what it's like to aim high... and it hasn't ever come easily for me. I am envious of people who can hardly study for major exams and perform superbly on them; unfortunately I wouldn't consider myself the "naturally brilliant"-type and the effort required for getting results is a much more painstaking process.

Something tells me that if it's *that* difficult to get results in a certain area, maybe it's not the direction I should be taking. Shouldn't I be applying my skills and directing my interests in areas that come somewhat naturally to me? For example, the study of psychology was an area where I naturally flourished. Studying business (in areas such as accounting and economics) proved to be very challenging for me. Maybe it was difficult because my professors didn't speak english very well, or because they didn't direct their lectures toward ensuring that students understood the concepts, but it was very unnerving to me when I couldn't teach myself certain concepts from the book. I firmly believe that I do have good "book smarts" and can teach myself anything out of a book if I spend enough time going over it, but there were things I simply couldn't get a grasp on and thus the courses scared me. Then again, the areas that are especially challenging are the things that I genuinely want to develop 1) to be more well-rounded.. and 2) simply because they *are* interesting to me, regardless of how difficult they may come to me.

Point being, I'm feeling increasingly compelled to start studying for the GMAT and focus on admittance to a graduate program for an MBA or MPA. Unfortunately I still feel ambiguous about the direction I need to take because it seems like a catch-22. On onehand, if I apply to the business positions that I would ideally like, they prefer (if not directly require) the applicant to have an MBA before applying; however, graduate programs in business (at least the good ones) appear to primarily accept applicants who have at least 3-5 years of solid business experience. It's very frustrating. After looking at several companies, they *do* appear to allow entry-level candidates/recent graduates, but the more time that passes after graduation, the more they expect you to only apply after obtaining an MBA. Anyway. Maybe I'm thinking about this too much (yes, I am..) and just need to take a leap of faith in some direction. Ideally I would like to work for a company that is a rewarding experience and expects me to go on to pursue my MBA (perhaps they may even pay for it).. then again, I want to start making top-money now, and open doors to better opportunities now... so why delay the MBA/MPA? Haha. ugh. Geez. (This is why I need to pursue some sort of analyst position... I think *everything* through in atypical fashion.. extremely thorough in weighing options, but then again as an analyst I'm sure you need to be able to arrive at some sort of conclusion... so... obviously that's difficult for me. :P)

Anyway. At least I'm thinking.. I just need to *act* soon.. I can feel the time slipping away, and that's also unnerving. Lately I find myself looking into smart options where I have already *barely* missed the deadline... normally I'm ahead of the opportunities out there, so that's also been frustrating.

I also keep doubting myself. "Are you *really* sure you're up for the challenge?" "Remember the stress you experienced in obtaining ____?" "Remember all-nighters?" .... so maybe I just need to push all of those thoughts aside and just go for it. Ultimately, I just want to be happy with whatever I do. I know that there are difficult things one has to get through as a means to an end, and I guess I keep wondering if I can somehow bypass those means to get to the end easier. Haha. It's a bad attitude, not wanting to put in the effort, and that's what makes me tentative about pursuing anything right now. I know I'm going to have to *really want it* to go through the effort it's going to take, and I'm just not sure if I want it that bad yet. Maybe I'll want it more after experiencing the "real-world" a little more and understanding exactly what I want to do. Then again, maybe I'll continue to have the same reservations, waste time, and figure-out later that you can never be sure of anything until you simple take a chance, go for it, and let the future unfold before you as it will. Obviously I'm speaking now from prior experience in hesitation, and where it has got me in the past (no where), and deep-down I really do know exactly what I have to do.

Ha. Well. There's a great example of the over-thinking that's going on in my mind right now. A lot of it boils down to fear. "You're in control of the direction your life goes now. Don't !@#$ it up." I know that I have to put some security in my faith--ultimately God does have a plan and direction for me, but faith without action is dead. So it's really all on my shoulders in regard to the action I take now....