Sullen v.5



the wonders of accepting love
have made me whole and real

Monday, April 16, 2007

Man I'm feeling a lot of pressure lately. I feel this tremendous amount of pressure to be "successful" .. and sometimes I feel like I want to measure up to the expectations of what others look at as the path of success, but at the same time... that's just not me.. not my path... or at least not right now. I'm not ready to go to grad school or even prepare the steps necessary to go to grad school. I don't exactly feel ready for a full-time job either because I'm really lost in regard to what I want to do. Yet I look around me and it seems like a lot of my friends *are* ready... they do know what they want and are pursuing it... they do have a place and a calling and are following it.

I guess I'm a little disappointed with myself right now because I don't have it all figured out. Or maybe I'm not disappointed with myself, but really self-conscious because I feel like a lot of people have watched me grow-up being "successful" and have really high expectations for what I'm going to do in the future. I do fear being a failure...or not good enough.. or not as good as so-and-so...and I think that's something I'm really going to have to work on within myself to achieve peace with following the path that's right for me and not comparing myself to others. I do know that I can be successful at whatever I do, but I'm not sure I will define my "success" as what others would define as "success".. and there's a part of me that wants to be recognized as successful in the eyes of the world, but a bigger part of me that knows I have to follow my heart and do what's right despite whatever onlookers will think. I know that my family has my back with whatever I choose to do, which is really nice, but lately I'm sensing an underlying nervousness (?) from my mother... and it makes *me* nervous. She told me the other day that it seems like I've "lost my motivation." And yeah, that's true.. and to a certain extent that might be true simply because I've recognized that long before she told me.. which means I've been acting upon that belief. heh. But really, there is a part of me that feels really tired and not eager to put the petal-to-the-metal with anything right now. Despite this, something I read recently was really encouraging ..and it's exactly how I feel about the situation: some of the best stories come from people when you don't have a plan -- it's the best way for God to use you.

However uncomfortable it might be for me, right now is a time of rest. It's a really strange period in my life because I've never had a "time of rest"... I've always just been smoothly transitioning from one step to the next .. success following me naturally. At least in hindsight that's how it feels, but in reality I know the past hasn't been easy. I guess we'll see how things go..... really I'm just doing a lot of self-examination and trying to get in touch with what it is I want out of life.. and also how that can be in harmony with where God would put me to use and really make a difference. I feel very strongly in the fact that God has made me a very strong person with the ability to make a large impact once I'm set on the appropriate course... but to find that course it's going to take some time, trust, faith.. heartbreak.. taking care of myself and moving closer to God... living in peace despite having the answers or the things I feel like *I* need right now. God's amazing grace and love will carry me.