Sullen v.5



ready to believe, be strong enough

Monday, April 02, 2007

Life over these past 11 months has been a little bit crazy. I have moved three times, and am most likely going to be moving again in the near future. I didn't know what to expect, post-graduation last year, but it has been a whirl-wind of experiences I never could have predicted. I can say one thing I've learned, during this time... the real world 'aint pretty. ha. So, yeah, suffice to say that I'm still having a difficult time adjusting. I don't like the idea of a full-time job, mostly because I'm not sure what I want to do, and I don't like the idea of not having the community of friends around me here that keep me grounded and loving life. It's going to be really different around here in a month when my closest friends have to go their separate ways.

I guess it really is time to take the page and turn it...but at the same time I want things to stay the same, especially with the friends I am close to. Everytime we're together it's a new experience that I truly am thankful for.

It's a little bit strange because I feel like I'm in a similar place that I was when finishing high school, in an odd variety of ways. Of course, at the same time, I'm far from that place that I was when finishing high school. I've managed to fall for someone, more than I ever intended to happen... and only second time for this to happen to me..and the second time for it to fall short of its potential. which leads me to believe there are some things I really need to figure out in my life, and maybe get help for. I have a hard time accepting love..I don't know what to do when it falls upon me, and I don't know what to do, even moreso, when I fall upon it. It's not that I'm ultra-picky..or selfish...or too independent.... and actually, I am all of those things, when first meeting people and when determining who I want to see again (there's the negative for ya)..and my friends do say I have a big problem with giving second chances..and I admittedly do... but if I let someone 'in' my life..become close to me and have my time on a regular basis (which is rare).. I am quite committed to those relationships.......and add into the mix me feeling emotional about things, and I become very confused and shutdown...moreso because it terrifies me? I'm not sure. Love is such a funny thing, especially in my life. It happens so rarely, but when it does, it's hard to talk about, lasts forever, and sadly falls short of its potential. I guess one of my primary in life... is to really watch for that... should it happen again... I've learned my lesson twice..... and I'm so ready to go about it differently in the future. Kelly Sweet - Ready For Love. I just can't live life this in fear that I'm going to get hurt..and I probably *will*..but it's worth experiencing..the hurt with the good..and working/learning/feeling through it all. Why don't I want to learn? Why do I fight feeling?...these are things I really need to work hard to overcome.. it's just not fair to those who wear their heart on their sleeves for me, and really not fair to myself to *not* be honest with them in return.

so yeah. sigh. That's just been one of the biggest learning experiences over this time. A lot of regrets and sadness..a lot of things I wish I could turn around and change... a lot of things that will always be too-late now.. a lot of things that could be changed too.. but yeah.. the pain that people suffer through the words that aren't spoken, for so long, really makes it difficult.

There are new opportunities opening up now. Despite an opportunity opening up that I thought would be good for me, my gut is telling me now to look in a different direction. I was running toward the opportunity more for the community-potential versus the actual job-situation, and obviously that's not a smart way to make a major change... I'm just scared of being alone, to be honest... and I have to be careful during this time to *not* make spontaneous decisions in the name of trying to find some sort of companionship with people, in an effort to make up for what I feel like I'll be losing soon. I want to make a good decision, and one that is going to lead me closer toward what God wants me to be doing with my life... and I need to take some serious time right now to reflect on what that is... look for options...and go in that direction.

I'm going to watch this film, "The Secret", tonight. Someone that I look up to told me that it would "change my life". Based upon what she was telling me, it sounds like it is going to be about principles that I have inadvertently followed. Things like cause-effect and how it can changed simply based upon your mindframe. Anyway, I haven't watched it yet, so I really don't know.... but I imagine I'll have something to say about it afterwards.

The person who lent me the video told me to put a note on my wall that says,
"I am so grateful for God giving me the perfect situation." ... and I guess it goes with what this movie is going to talk about....

alright, so that's all for now.