I was going to put this in the other journal, but screw it.. I really don't care...it's going in this journal.
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This post really upsets me. Mostly because it is going back to a problem I haven't resolved and yet continue to recognize. I'm not sure anyone likes to recognize that they have a problem and then continue to reflect on it without making progress toward resolving that problem. I've been on an emotional roller coaster for a long time now, and recently it feels more dramatic in the extremes of the 'ups and downs'. One thing that I *should* recognize, throughout all of this, is that there *is* one constant.. and that's the underlying pain... but it's a bit strange (feeling as if on a roller coaster) because the underlying pain changes..or at least the type of pain?... depending on the ups and downs. For example, after ups, the underlying pain is woeful for loss... and after downs, the underlying pain is about being truly hurt, disappointed, upset/angry..... .... ... so obviously there are two different types of pain here.. type 1: loss.. type 2: upset at a situation/person for some sort of offense .. and it seems like I'm swinging between the two. Either way, the important thing to recognize is that it's pain I'm dealing with here..and not happiness.. and type 1 can be quite tricky in the sense that it feels like happiness because you actually like the person. Point being it's not a good situation either way.
Anyway. What I've been experiencing, most recently, is type 2. It's just beyond me how I could gravitate toward particular people who are so incredibly mean to me. I mean to the point that I'm asking myself, :"how did I love/like/even befriend this person?" How can I be really close to someone for so long who demonstrates no problem in turning around on me, easily, and treating/talking to me like crap ... without showing a hint of remorse or care in the world? And generally, do I do anything to stop it? Nope, not really. I just laugh at it and brush it off, and later on, in reflection, think to myself, "holy hell that was really mean. No one who's my friend would act/talk like that so comfortably to me." And then I can't help but wonder if the underlying meanness has always been there and maybe I've been blindsighted for so long thinking they were good to me, for me, whatever...because that's what I wanted to see. Thoughts run through my mind wondering how I might be responsible for this... how I might have onset such behavior/talk... and it's easy for me to rationalize that it would be *easier* to blame them rather than take on the responsibility myself, but when it comes right down to it.... I do have to place a certain amount of responsibility on the other person or I'd risk degenerating into your typical abused person (blaming themself.. making excuses for the other person.. etc). I'm not saying that I have no responsibility in aggravating what I'm angry with (I walk right into it), but I'm saying whatever I *did*/do aggravate... it is not handled in an appropriate manner by the other person at all. It just hurts because I feel like when things like this come up I really do respect and care for the other peson... I don't go out of *my* way to hurt them... or make rude remarks.... and yet I am constantly the target of their own vile and rude remarks/behavior. And then the 'ups' come..and I so easily forgive, and am so eager to just get along that I let the downs go.... and that's good to a certain extent... but really, can you be forgiving to a fault? I don't think so, but I don't want to keep walking into situations that hurt me, emotionally, either.
Anyway. This is all. I can't rationalize why people are asses.. I can't make excuses for them.. as much as I *really want* to do that for them out of the sake of preserving what's good in my mind... preserving the image of a friendship that's working when it's really broken in so many ways. I *can* forgive, simply for the sake of moving on and wanting to keep a good heart.. free from anger.. but it's still hard.. especially because I want to rationalize why I've thought someone would value me as their friend, only for their actions *and* words to speak a much harsher reality.
Lin *
Jason
Sarah
Phil