Sullen v.5



trust me, trust nobody

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Lately I feel like I'm starting to *actually* feel signs of "aging". Haha. Maybe I'm making it up in my mind, but for the first time I'm really feeling like I can notice things... like lack of energy.. wanting more sleep (even though I guess you're supposed to need less sleep as you age?).. signs of cellulite?? :P I've been pretty lucky about being skinny and eating terrible/not exercising, but I think that has to change this year. I need to really start watching what I eat and EXERCISING. And even though I feel like I'm feeling the affects of age, at still a young age, I'm also feeling in my prime.. in a weird way. ha. yeaaah. Weirdest thing ever.. my mom instinct is kicking in.. .. .. my girl friends, throughout my entire life, have always seemed really sure about wanting many..etc.. I really thought I might not ever really have kids because I had no desire for them... until's the strangest thing ever...but I really want a baby. Like I understand why girls say "awww.." now when they see a mom holding a baby. I always thought "yeah, cute," but now I can really relate to the huffabaloo, and the real sentiment of the "aww", in a weird way. I know this may sound just downright weird, and it's not like I'm just gonna go hook up with someone to have a baby now, but I'm just saying I can see myself realistically wanting/having kids in my future now. I see moms out with their kids and I observe them almost as much as I do older couples (see past post). Yeah I'm feeling really psycho with this post, but it's true.. I really want a daughter/son.. family.. I really want that. At my current stage in life, I know I'm not even close to that... but it's ok.. I'm still not in any rush at all... just saying *the want* is there now.. which I think is a good thing. I'm also warm to the idea of a real commitment to one person now. Previously I've wanted to keep my options open..and I've always been an idealist, romantically, wanting that "soulmate" type person, but I've always thought it kind of unrealistic...I guess?..but now I can really see it being realistic. I don't know how to put it. I guess I've never been sure about *marriage*, due to the "till death do us part"-part.. but I can really see myself truthfully committing to that, given the right person.

Anyway. I am wiped out..exhausted after this past week. The last bit of time spent with my friends on 'vacation' was really great. One day in particular, that was especially fun, was when we all took a bike ride across several lakes and through many parks. It was such a *gorgeous* day, and I hadn't been on a bike in a long time.. and man I didn't realize how much I missed it. I always think about my time spent with these friends, and how it's so pleasant.. how we *always* have a good fun time when we're all together..and just what a unique blessing it is. There are times when I'm sure we get a bit tiffed (word?) with each other, but it's hardly noticeable.. and if it's there.. whoever is upset let's it go quickly. We're just never angry with each other.. it's just laughing and having fun. Really odd, considering how much we hang out with each other, but really nice at the same time. I feel bad because sometimes/often I neglect other friends to hangout with this particular group of friends because they just absolutely never annoy me.. whereas with other friends, I hate to say, I can grow tired of quickly or just need some serious space after a short time. Maybe "absolutely never" is too strong, but if they do annoy me, it's easy to let it go because the good far outweighs anything else. yeah. If anything, I need my space sometimes because I feel like I'm getting *too* attached (emotionally) ... which I guess isn't a bad thing, but for someone like me, that's always been a scary/difficult area for me. In fact, that is why this group is such a blessing in a way..because they have really embraced the genuine goofy/crazy person I am..which allows me to feel at my best with them, not having to worry much about having my guard up..and has really allowed me to extend more of who I am to them, in a way that I don't with just-everyone. There are only a few guards that I still keep up, which I am dying to let down, but unable to do because it requires a different degree of honesty and clarity from a source I have no control over.. or I guess I could take control of these things.. but it's very important to me that I don't, despite any little cues that give me the go-ahead. And anyway, I've been this just might be destiny that clarity not happen for the sake of a higher reason I don't understsand.."we're murdering our lives, trying to make it work, but we both know, we are a lost cause"...those are the lyrics, more or less, that come to mind when I think about it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm delusional and imagining something exists that really isn't there, but I don't think so.. it just is what it is.. a beautiful disaster.

switching notes, loving this song currently: The Fray - Trust Me