Sullen v.5




Thursday, February 15, 2007

I just upgraded to the "new blogger." I had been resisting it because.. well.. I don't know.. it's different, and I don't always like change. And yet, some things never change--very evident from my past writing. The "new blogger" is very entertaining because I can now literally see *every* post I have ever written since 2001. WOW. Reading over the early posts, it's just, absolutely *crazy* to have it all documented! I thought the archives might have been lost because I could never access them on the old blogger.. and I'm glad I didn't hold back from the details. I remember, in the earlier days of blogging, I felt much more self-conscious about writing than I do now. In some ways, the earlier material is entertaining because I was very naieve, in other ways it's unnerving because I haven't changed at all in some aspects that I wish I would have by now. It's very good to look back at things I had forgot about and realize, 6 years later, how it might have affected me. It's interesting to see how ambitious I used to be. Haha. "Back in the day" I really had purpose.. I had goals.. I had a serious direction. Nowadays I really am just "floating along." My mom recently sent me a birthday card (yeah... just turned 23... sigh) and in it she wrote really nice things, but included that she sees where I'm at now as a "resting phase." I chuckled because it seemed like her gentle way of saying "you're not really doing anything and I'm kind of confused by it...." I don't know how to put it. I really am in a resting phase though. I am so incredibly burnt out on life, and maybe I'm just trying to adjust to the new responsibilities of adulthood, but I've seriously put ambitions on the backburner and am just ....... .... I don't even know how to describe it. I'm not even looking inyo pursuing opportunities right now. I have no desire for a career. I have no desire to use skills of my own to be self-employed. I am not motivated. If you look at my earlier would never see me in a state like I am now. You might see me running along frantically and burned out, but I was still going somewhere with it all.

I really don't know what happened. Somewhere along the line my motivational switch just clicked off. I think, the real thing is, I refuse that this-is-the-way-it-is. I refuse to believe that I have to get a job to survive. I refuse to believe that I have to waste precious time working on things that don't make me happy.. to get somewhere that will make me happy? I want to be free..every day.. to walk outside and breathe the fresh air.. take a run if I go see the people I want... to enjoy every day. I feel like this sounds really hippy, but seriously. There has got to be more to life than just slaving away in a job to do all of those things. Maybe I just had a bad job experience and there really is a place for me to work and be happy too, but I highly doubt it! I just think about it, and my problem is that I *don't* want to be accountable to other people on days that I don't feel like being accountable. Haha... and I struggle every day knowing how unrealistic of a belief/desire it is, entertaining the thought that I can get to some point like that. I mean.. if anyone has suggestions.. *please* tell me.. because this is what I really desire... freedom.... (spoken like a true Aquarius)... and anything that can bring in the money while allowing me optimal freedom I am all for. I really think I will find a place in real estate or sales. Something that makes serious money in little time and flexibility...but those areas are also very scary to me because I don't see them as a stable way to make money.

Anyway. This is my 2,202 post. I've come a long way in 7 years, and I have no idea where I go from here....