Sullen v.5



I'm Sorry

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

A new year. I'm not looking forward to this year, but it is what it is.. and I'll try to make the most of it. As mentioned, I quit my job, despite their tempting negotiations to get me to stay longer... which I was *so* close to accepting, out of fear.... but I went with my heart, and walked away. I'm still feeling uneasy.. mostly because the cost of living is impossible in S.Cali, and I just quit my job.. but it's all about faith right now. I've had several opportunities for freelance work come up, and that is how I plan on supporting myself..for now. Lately California just makes me really unhappy, in general, but I'm not sure where to go that could possibly make me happier. On top of this confusion, I am constantly teased by a boy that I can finally admit to myself I have feelings for, and it's emotionally draining..completely heartbreaking. I am quite sure he would argue I am a much greater tease than him, and although I could see where he's coming from.. the truth..the absolute truth.. is that I am not teasing.. I am simply waiting patiently for honesty. Not a hint. Not a hug. Not a kiss. Not his hand. Words of truth and a will to step-up and take control of the situation...that's all I want, before anything else. Neither of us have the courage. And if he doesn't feel any of this, then I know at least I will.. but I'll move on.. and God only knows where our impossible pride will end. It all sounds very dramatic, but the situation bothers me... because I honestly think we torment each other, and yet we can't resist. And it's sad, that this is the case, because I feel we are both fragile people emotionally, which prevents us from moving forward.. and ironically makes the situation worse by not addressing anything. I wish it were as easy as walking away from my job, but a feeling keeps turning me back, telling me, 'but you're happy here..' I keep thinking that I can take the emotion out of it and just be friends, at the least, but then the minute we have a hug where neither of us wants to let strength crumbles.. it's hard to let go, but we're going to have to very soon now.. and it just seems very unfortunate.

In the end all that will be left is "I'm sorry."