Sullen v.5



player, pa-lease.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Well I can't sleep. And instead of lieing in my bed, praying that I fall asleep, I decided to do something random, like write. Heh. . not that I have much to write about. Same 'ol shit (I realize that I have some fowl language in this journal lately -- looking over some other posts -- but oh well.. unfortunately it reflects the honesty of how I'm feeling.. burntout.)

I really want to shy away from the guy-topic, because it seems that's all I ever write about here. But I would like to say a few things (which honestly.. a "few things" is never short)
like... 1) There is nothing more attractive, in the final-stage of deciding whether to really pursue a guy, than a guy who knows what he wants. 2) There is nothing worse than a player. 3) I seem to be attracted to players, and that is a shame because they will never know what they want.. and if they do, it's very fleeting and inconsistent.

It's sad too because half the time these players express that they very honestly want to be in a serious relationship -- that they "can't understand why they can't find a girl to be in a serious relationship with" -- whine whine, bitch bitch -- and it's perfectly clear to me that they can't find this girl because they don't know what they want. And secondly, any quality girl who would be interested in him is not willing to compete with the "she digs me" list. These guys play the field, making every girl try to love them, finding temporary gratification in each one that they can succeed in getting on the "she digs me" list, and it's enough for them to never make any solid decision. They have plenty of quality girls all around them, and yet they will never really get to see the beauty of what it means to know just one quality girl in a committed situation. Instead, the player will move from girl to girl, just trying to keep them on the "she digs me" list .. one girl starts to fall through the cracks while another girl gets more attention .. but don't worry... Mr. Player will be back to make sure that any single girl doesn't completely fall through the cracks .. while at the same time using a deceptive charm to lure more and more girls onto the potential "she digs me" list. It's a sick and sad little game.
And the reason I can describe exactly how it works, is because I do the same damn thing. The only difference is, in my honest opinion, there is always one that I truly want over anyone else who may be on "the list" (--> not to be confused with "the friends" list).. anyone on "the list" is mostly for ego (I know, terrible), but the chances of anything happenining with them is probably 1 to 9.. not good. And then I wonder if the only one I would really want something more serious with is the one person I can never have.. because he is a player, he doesn't know what he wants, and yet I want someone who knows what they want. . and I refuse to be a solid "she digs me list girl", because I hate "the list" and refuse to compete with it.. muchless be on it.

Which brings me to the final conclusion: I must not want a relationship.. because I seriously torture myself with making decisions to fall for people who can never really love me, and just me. Yeah, it's kind of sad when you really evaluate it like that.

All of the above is just a theory, still.. because I honestly don't know if that's how it works. I know that, yes, there is somewhat of a list in my mind, but I also know that it is a very unconscious thing that happens. It really is not an evil-manipulative thing where I'm like, "oh yeah I'm gonna get them on *the list*!".. but I wonder if that's any different from other so-called players.. maybe I give other players too little sympathy for their situations. Maybe they really DO want a serious relationship (like me) .. and maybe they have a list that has happened very unconsciously (like me) .. and maybe we gravitate toward each other because there is the sad pain of knowing what it's like to be in that situation but not know what you want .. heh .. and yet .. the very fact that neither of us will ever know what we want makes it safe to want each other because nothing can seriously ever happen with that situation. .... ...... um yeah... so now the crazy talk has taken over and I need to sleep.

All I know is that I need to stay away from players and learn to love someone who really loves just me back.. *not* someone who is simply looking for my affirmation, but someone who is looking for a mutual love. There's plenty of them out there.. I just need to learn to stick with one and not follow bad habits. Maybe that will be my New Years resolution.. ha (which I have expressed hating "New Years resolutions" because if you're going to make a resolution and really stand by it .. why not start it *today* right?.. yeah..)