Sullen v.5



life just passes you by

Sunday, November 05, 2006

"How's life?" .. seems like the question everyone is asking these days. I hate that question. It seems to demand a happy answer, and yet the truthful answer is filled with angst and confusion. Although it may be truthful that life is really less than amazing right now, I continue to say that I am fine because the more I say it, the more I hope that I will start to believe it.. and then actually feel it. Life after college is difficult. More difficult than I anticipated, I suppose, which is why I have not taken well to the transition.. my expectations were out of line.

I was talking to a guy recently that I briefly dated in DC (mentioned slightly in this journal, but it ended due to circumstantial moving-home), and him being about two years older, told me that it only lasts "a couple of years." ... in which MY reply was, "a couple of years???" I can't take this for a couple of years. . And my guess is that it doesn't become easier, but that we adapt to the circumstances so that they don't seem quite as harsh. anyway.

I could easily turn this post into something "sappy", haha, partially inspired by my friend Jason's post.. where there are a lot of things I can relate to in a "sappy post" of his :P.. but, I don't know, it's almost too sad for me to get into. I don't know why I find my similar-situation sad, I guess it's mostly because I don't have the courage to address my questions, and it becomes clearer to me every day that the other person I am begging-inside to address it, will never.. and the reasons for that are equally confusing. Is it the friendship-factor, is it fear, is it disinterest, is there another person, and ultimately, is it even something that has crossed his mind to figure out? I have to give myself some credit, and say that I think I would be completely stupid and hate myself for making this into something more than what it is if I didn't *really* think/know that there is something more to this than what there is. But as girls and guys both know, and is equally important for me to consider if I don't want to be stupid, is that when a guy is *really* interested in a girl, he will pursue her. I don't mean pursue her like a stalker, but I mean pursue her as in if-she-calls, and especially if she calls to invite you somewhere .. there is a guarantee that her phone call will be answered and/or returned. It is the 100% failproof way for me to determine a 'tool' versus someone who is genuinely interested in me. And this doesn't even have to be romantic interest, but even genuine I-want-to-be-your-friend-interest. So. Seeing that there is major incongruence with a situation in my life: one being that I feel serious signals of interest when we are together (and sometimes not)... two being that there is major inconsistency with typical guy-interested-behavior.... I am at a loss of what to think anymore.
I guess it's also sad for me because the circumstances happen to be one of those rare times that I am genuinely interested (in return?), and that if he questioned me in regard to any of it, it is certain that I will be completely honest. But I need some clarity on the other end first. I can tell that is is genuine on my side because it has exceeded a momentary timeframe.. there is absolutely no one else... and it kills me to some extent because I have plenty of sincerity/interest coming from elsewhere, from quite respectful people... and I just can't seem to let go of the idea that there is something more here that *has* to be figured out between us, because I will regret it if I don't .. even if it doesn't go the way I imagine, there is *something* that needs to be addressed. I feel like we probably both keep telling ourselves that we just need a little more time, a little more clarity from the other person... and life just passes us by.