Sullen v.5



good riddance

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

You Are 1: The Reformer

You're a responsible person - with a clear sense of right and wrong.

High standards are important to you, and you do everything to meet them.

You are your own worst critic, feeling ashamed if you're not perfect.

You have the highest integrity, and people expect you to be fair.

^ quiz stolen from Jason's blog because yet-again I don't have any original content to post. ha. anyway. Everytime I do a passthrough (word?) of other journals I read, I feel obliged to write myself .. so.. let's see what I can put here...

Well basically, life has been one hell of an emotional roller coaster for me lately. I don't think this is a result of anyone else (although there are certainly people in my life who stir emotions.. eh..) .. but just a result of my own general stability. I sound like a mental case, and honestly, sometimes I think that I am one with the way my emotional-state can fluctuate so dramatically .. mostly it's just down these days .. I think.. because of my job .. and because of circumstances in a variety of situations. Everyone knows I need to quit my job .. and I know this better than anyone, but it's easier said than done because my job works me so hard that I don't even have time to find another job.. and secondly, I overthink things too much. I can still see the major benefits of this job in getting me where I want to be despite hating it every day of my life. ugh. Also, I feel like a basketcase, because when other girls are just dying for A GUY to ask them out, I am dealing with a handful and getting more depressed by the minute with it all. Some just don't stand a chance because they don't seem normal or don't quite 'mesh' with me... and then there are others who actually do seem pretty normal, have their life going in a fantastic direction, open the car door for me on dates.. complete gentleman.. well-off (not that this matters, but some ppl might consider it a perk).. and yet I STILL get upset about it. I think I get the most upset with 'the others' because my MIND tells me "duh this is good" and my heart says, "no .. I'm not feeling it." And evidently my heart has MUCH more pull in my life because a guy can have everything going for him, and still not be Mr. Right to me. And if I don't feel it on the first date, it is adios amigo (friends really dislike that I am not better about 2nd chances... but really.. I think it's just leading a guy on because I can get a pretty good read on character in a 1st date.. I don't need 2+ dates.)Argh! It gets me so pissed off with myself. I'm beginning to think that my major attractions develop out of friendship, and from there it is the personality-factor that completely captures me. I should probably reevaluate this and see if there is something I can do to fix that, because the personality-factor is going to leave me with some broke-no-direction-guy. And yet, while it seems I have to sacrifice good-qualities for good-personality, I still have this idealism where I think the whole package, Mr. Right, is out there. So I'm home for Thanksgiving *deep sigh of relief* .. it is going to be so good to be home .. and for whatever reason, I received a slew of "so are you going to see your boyfriend?"-questions right before leaving. Uhhh. Yeah. I don't know why there's this sudden onset of questions, but I definitely told some guys who work nextdoor to me, when they pulled the assumptive-question trick.. I told them "Yeah. Well.. we're kind of going through a hard time right now.. so I don't really want to talk about it.." ... later I laughed at myself and then reevaluated myself in horror.. who the hell makes up a lie like that?? It was so easy, and I just went with it, because I felt like they were trying to get at something more ("do you have a boyfriend?") and I just didn't want to deal with it.

anyway. yeah. sometimes life just feels real messed up. I have a lot of weird drama, and I go for all the wrong people, apparently.. I'm trying to breakout of where I am at in my life currently (job, guy I'm interested-in-but-maybe-no-longer-because-he-**really**-pissed-me-off-for-the-1st-time-ever-the-other-day.. like to the point of incredible sadness..) but it's proving to be very difficult. I may have some headway with the guy-situation, because I came back from a random-date (I can't wait around forever if the person I want to take initiative won't) and met up with friends, he was there, and he said some really hurtful things about my character that were completely out of line ... .. in his effort to tell me why I should continue to see date-guy, because apparently date-guy can stand all my "(insert specific, well thought-out, horrible qualities here)." Well fuck you too. Even my FRIENDS (which I thought he was) don't say that shit. And while the comments DO have legitimacy, there are some damn good qualities about me too which he fails to recognize... and it's finally completely clear to me..... he is an idiot. Well I'm glad he's making this easier for me, even if I'm not feeling the other-potential out there right now, it helps me to be more open to future good potential and not be stuck in the disgusting past. It's such a shame he had to say such random-hurtful things.. because right now I'm having a hard time even seeing him as a friend. The sad part is, I think he could have said it out of anger, but it was still all true and very well-thought-out.. which is what makes it so much worse. It was just completely inappropriate and I demand and deserve a lot more respect than that. I didn't see this perspective until after the night we all hung out, and then I woke up to "yeah I should have probably told him to go fuck himself." Excuse my language, but that's how irrate I am. I acted all passive, and now I am livid in hindsight.. and it's sad because he prob. thinks everything is fine due to the way I acted or *didn't* react to him. I've only seen the best in him, and while he has some major faults that anyone could point out.. I have only forgiven them and have really tried to be kind.. I don't think I've ever said a single word to insult him intentionally. If any fault has been mine, it has only been to not be honest with him in regard to how highly I looked up to him. Well. . so long with that. I hope he has some divine inspiration, backs the way-hell-up, and apologizes as a FRIEND, at the very least, should do.

the end. Hopefully my posts will become less ridiculous in the future.