Sullen v.5



where the heart is

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Really late .. probably should be sleeping, but I can't. Work is hard as hell to wake up for these days.. not only because I'm not getting enough sleep, but because I feel a somatic sickness every morning. Working full-time is such hell hell and more hell. I really feel like I would much rather be in school right now, but then I see my friends who still have homework/midterms, and I'm definitely over that. Basically my job is intolerable. sigh. I am really trying hard to not bitch about it to my friends, because it got old like 5 months ago, but they are truly my only support right now that is making me at all happy.

My mom called today and left the sweetest message. "Honey bunny -- are you sure you don't want to come home?.. I sure do miss you." Sweet because I can't remember the last time she called me honey bunny, but frustrating because I think she knows that often there is nothing more that I want right now than to be home with my family .. watching the aspen leaves changing on the mountainside. I miss my family constantly, but I know if I went home I would greatly miss my friends here too, and I don't know how much time I have left with them, and I know that this is a time I have to be strong and learn to make-it on my own. It's so f-ing frustrating, and often lonely.

I could really fill the lonely-feeling right now with some action steps to resolve loose ends, but I am too f-ing picky and scared. Picky -- not going with genuine good options. Scared -- not going with my heart.. or hoping that my heart has the capability to telephathically let someone know that they only need to be honest with me .. straightforward.. genuine.. to see something blossom.. to have me meet them halfway and beyond. I am all about meeting in the middle and running from there. I have had some people tell me that in my circumstance the person has been in the middle and I failed to meet them.. so it is apparently my fault... but I feel it has never been *really* clear straight-in-my-face look-this-is-how-it-is ... I really need someone to spell it out for me in order for me to respond in a very genuine and honest manner myself. Maybe it's selfish, maybe it's an insecurity, but I feel like it is simply asking for a certain amount of respect to have someone initiate a straightforward talk with me.. for someone to be completely honest with me.. and for them to feel/know that there is so much more to gain versus staying in the dark. But then some have tried that approach with me, and got burned pretty badly, so I can understand why someone wouldn't want to take that approach .. it is scary. ugh. I really feel this is not as complicated as telepathy though, and that they simply don't care or have the same feelings .. because yes I can be a flirt .. but when two people have a really strong chemistry/connection with each other, and it's fairly evident to pretty much everyone else.. there really shouldn't be any more mystery to the matter. closure would be nice.. ideally we would both be honest that something is there, go with it, knowing that yes we may get hurt, but still commit to trying our best .. and look forward to good times/something new .. or.. we can stay in the dark-la-la-land.. or one of us can find someone else (the minute they do I can usu. lose interest fairly quickly). I am rambling very badly. Really nothing insightful here. . just continual frustration . . which makes me want to go home that much more.