Sullen v.5




Thursday, September 14, 2006

hm. so I officially have a real dilemma. What to do when your head says yes, but your heart says no? And vice versa. . When your heart says yes, but your head says no? I have always considered myself a pretty rational person -- meaning that if an opportunity comes along where my head says yes but my heart says no, then I would undoubtedly take it over something else where my heart says yes, but my head says no. . now I'm beginning to wonder about all of that. In other words, I've always felt that I'm more likely to listen to my head any day over my heart when it comes to making decisions, but my dilemma is that I've recently discovered, with some direct confrontation, that this is not the case.

My life just got so much more complicated as of last night (tonight?). Finally a direct question tonight that forced me to consider where I stand, and I had absolutely no clear answer. I couldn't decide, at that moment, if my indecision was a result of a) fear .. b) pressure or c) my heart saying no. Something tells me it's my heart saying no, but then so many other things tell me, "when do you *ever* give something like this a real thought?".. and "did you always think you'd get away with shying around the issue?"

No.. I knew, somewhere, that this was going to come.. I just didn't know when, who it would be, and I certainly didn't expect it to be tonight.

I guess it really comes down to being a little sad with my dilemma.. knowing that everything in situation a is good.. what could be wrong?.. except for the fact that I do not feel my heart is fully there?.. knowing that everything in situation b is good, but rocky, and highly questionable.. but my heart is in situation b, and just waiting for the same direct confrontation that happened in situation a.

Everything feels like it just got incredibly complicated, and yet I feel it has been made clear that there is going to be nothing complicated as a result of whatever my decision is... at any rate.... I've asked for some time.....

... time to really evaluate what slipping away from situation b means, I suppose, because time for situation b, I guess it has run out. It's sad, but I've always known that this was coming too. . although I thought situation b would slip away from me before I slipped away from it. . but there still is no decision, and there still is a little time. It's just my luck to end up getting stuck.