Sullen v.5



sometimes you feel like a nut

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

My friends have always told me that I have really amazing intuition (or some have called it 'psychic', although I really view it more as intuitive/simply good judgment). Right now my intuition/sensing-something? is scaring me. I am not sure if it's because I'm anxious or genuinely fearful. It feels like something is just around the corner, ready to jump out at me. I don't know if it's some-thing, or some-thing-s, but it is an overwhelming feeling, which makes me think that it is something-s. Ha. I just realized how appropriate this "jumping out at me"-analogy is for the month of October (Halloween).

The something-s could be in regard to relationships and/or my job. Those are my two guesses right now. If it is only some-thing, then I have no doubt that it is going to be in relation to my job. I have vaguely been given reason to believe that there is something "in the works" in regard to my job position, but I really have no freaking idea what that means. This could definitely be a good or bad thing. . or something that is spinned to be good but really does not workout to my advantage in the big picture. . THAT is what I'm feeling is going to happen! Something good, but noooot really. I have no idea. It's like there is something top-secret going on for sure, and I will not know until October.

In other random news. Well. I don't know, I am trying to lean more away from typing about specific interactions with people in my blog, and more about what is evolving in my life as a result of specific interactions (w/out the interactive details). It is extremely late and I semi-realize that I have practically incoherent typing right now, but oh well.. relationships. I am fairly certain that I managed to f-up my whole "dilemma" .. the strange thing is, I could see exactly how I was going to f it up, and I still did it. . I picked the obvious wrong choices, I picked the most destructive path to follow. . I deliberately made things worse than they had to be. . practically burned a bridge. . etceterra etceterra. So, with that, I took it to a good friend of mine, and she helped me realize that it is most definitely a problem of me. . and she helped me realize this in a very logical manner, and I think while I may have doted around with this idea before (of it being me), I have never really truly owned it. . and I certainly have never done anything to resolve it. Now that I can clearly identify this, I suppose the choice is mine of a) do I want to resolve this? and b) what am I going to do to resolve this? and c) did you actually do those things so that you can learn from the outcome in the future? OR d) did you not do those things, therefore keeping you in a continual cycle of only a) and b), but never c).. and you never grow?

While it may seem that I may have made the obvious self-destructive decisions in regard to relationships this past week, I still feel that I do have some control over what is going on . . and that I am at least following my heart . . and have faith that if my heart is only leaning me toward things that I have deemed as "self-destructive," then it would undermine God working in my life, and I think God gives us specific feelings that we sometimes can't understand . . and maybe it's the things I can't understand that I have decided are "self-destructive". . but I have to have faith that these irrational feelings are actually somewhat rational through the understanding of what God is trying to do in my life -- blessed even. . but of course it can *feel* irrational because having faith and trust in a higher power is not the most rational means to base feelings off of.. but God is rational (or real) to me, and therefore I believe that there has got to be something about following my heart that is very right in this case.

I have my internet back, temporarily it seems.