Sullen v.5



To and Fro

Monday, July 03, 2006

People seem to get a kick out of the fact that my younger sister is getting married, before me. Sometimes they laugh. Sometimes they ask me if that's weird for me. Well, yes, of course it's "weird for me"... the idea of marriage at all is weird to me... the fact that my sister has found her soulmate and the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with is weird to me. I am completely happy for her though. And I can say in perfect honesty, that while there may be a very slight tinge of jealousy (as a result of her finding *that* guy), for the most part I am very at peace with everything. I know that God couldn't have sent this guy for her at a better time. And I know that this was God's gift to both of them. I think that's what makes me feel so great about the entire circumstance.. I can say with 100% certainty that what they have is a gift from God and that I have seen God shape them into better people as a result of their union (?). I also know that I am at a point in my life where I am open to the idea of marriage, but that I have very important goals and prorities that I want to achieve before this occurs. I know that it is not up to "my plan" either, but I am convinced that God works in myserious ways and that things will workout according to the most opportune and perfect timing. Maybe this is too idealistic, but I look at my life... and while one may argue it is/has not been idealistic... I can say that I have had trials, but never been ultimately disappointed by the course my life has taken... and in due time the course seems to workout according to what is best. I reflect daily on where I'm at in my life currently. I'm always measuring my life satisfaction. I complain about my job a lot, but the truth is I am incredibly fortunate to have what I do currently. I may complain about my lack of true love, but then I look around and am astonished by the amount of love my friends have for me, and the different ways they demonstrate this. I am also fortunate to have many good guys in my life. It's not a matter of not having options, but that I am incredibly picky and choose to only explore options where there are definite and genuine feelings of mutual admiration. A friend was telling me the other night that I need to "not write guys off so quickly." I guess she has a point. She asked me if I would want to be written off so quickly by someone based upon their first impression of me.. haha.. and knowing me.. no.. I wouldn't like that at all... so she made the point that it is the same case for guys. I feel like I do give guys lots of 2nd chances, but maybe I am not being genuine about it when I do. Maybe I have already firmly established in my mind that I am not interested and thus am still writing them off even if I feel like I'm giving them a 2nd chance. At any rate, it's something to think about. Oh, also my friend made a good point that I cannot be a player hater. This is because I am a very big "player"... and I cannot lie.. I do love to play... and that is a problem. I only play when I am unsure though. If I can establish something to be sure about, all games end and the real fun begins. ha.

so... this weekend was great. It started with a good friend of mine who I hadn't seen in a while (until about a week ago), and he decided to cook me dinner.. and now I am wondering how good of a "friend" he really sees me as. I have my doubts that he will ever want to hang out with me again as a result of the end of that evening. I don't feel like dinner entitles any friend to anything more than a very nice thank-you. Maybe that's too harsh, but maybe it was slightly an awkward situation for me too.. even though I knew.. I knew.. I knew (cannot lie)... what I was getting myself into when I agreed to go over there. Later in the weekend, a mini reunion with friends... and that's always great fun because they are pretty much my best friends. Later a girls night out on the town (Beverly Hills and beyond).. where we met a random guy... where-upon random guy and I clicked in a funny way.. but when it came around to giving numbers, I let my friend have it and backed down because she seemed more interested.... when we walked away and I asked her about it, she did express that she was very interested. Maybe she can start dating him and we'll all get to hang sometime, and we can figure it out from there. lol. kidding. Anyway. It was just interesting because there aren't too many guys who will make the effort in a tactful way to get to know you.. especially if he is normal, non-playerish-seeming, all alone, and outnumbered 3 to 1.. and I admired how smooth (but persistent) his effort was.

One day of work coming up. . then I have the day off... and *that* day is going to be very interesting as to what happens. There are several interesting options ...

I kind of just want to relax. We'll see.

This is all.