Sullen v.5



the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Can I just say how really ungrateful I feel right now? Man. So I feel like I have many really good things going for me, but lately I'm just feeling *really* down. I think it's a combination of weird things that have come to light as-of-late that were as much expected as they were unexpected. That seems paradoxical, but it is what it is.

I am very homesick as well. As much as I am homesick, I know that going home will most likely not resolve anything. I think it's a period of adjustment in my life and it is *extremely* uncomfortable for me. I am used to having many friends at my doorstep where little to no effort is needed to keep in touch, whereas now-a-days friends seem scarce or I am feeling 'latchy' .. and I, probably more than most people, do not like to appear needy. The truth is I feel like I very much need to hold on to and surround myself with the friends that are near me. Generally I don't mind and actually enjoy having days to myself, but lately I feel like I'm suffocating in my bedroom if I am not out with a friend. I imagine that once work picks up I will be so busy that I won't even have time to worry about how much time I'm spending with people .... but that worries me more than worrying about spending time with people. Yes I am a worrier. I need to stop, I know, because it can become a consuming part of someone's life -- unncessary worrying.

I hate when I'm low, because I know how good it feels to be on a high. Annnd that sounds really bipolar. I go through intensely low or intensely high periods ... but I really do not think it is anything more significant than the way life works for everyone.

I just feel like I'm trying to squeeze some joy out of life and I'm not getting enough juice to fill my cup. I think my mother is right by saying that this is a time when I am really needing to listen to God for guidance in the direction my life is headed. The comfortable thing would be to go home. The comfortable thing would be to go to grad. school ASAP. As much as I feel squirrmish about my place right now, I really think I'm here for a reason and that it's supposed to be uncomfortable and lonely at times, but that I'm going to get through this period.. and somehow, hopefully, come out of it as a stronger person...