Sullen v.5




Friday, April 14, 2006

This doesn't come natural for me. I've said it once today, and it's likely that I'll be repeating it for the rest of my life: dealing with emotions is something of a perplexity. I can't handle yours, and I can't handle mine. It's as simple as that. I wonder how it got to be this way. Sometimes dreams serve as a reminder that I should seek help. Most of the time I feel pretty solid. Shaken by a nightmare, and I knew within the first few minutes that I was waking up to my living nightmare--a reality I've created much against my own desires. The words kept running through my mind, "Sometimes you choose tomorrow, and sometimes it chooses you." Today it chose me, similar to how you chose me. Still, I'm trying to figure out if you ever chose me, and only me. I'm not going to lie, I can't stop thinking about you, and only you. I'm not sad by our circumstance as much as I am disappointed. I've heard that "disappointed" is a loaded word, but I think that it's just right. To say I am sad would be an understatment. Disappointed - disappointed that we've failed to see the importance of our actions and follow-through. I was looking for a push, and then I found us both standing on the ledge, waiting to fall, and realized that neither of us were going anywhere. Sometimes I wish it was as easy as an agreement to jump, but then where would the story be in that? I would jump and you might stay and laugh at how foolish I am. You would jump and I might realize my fear of falling. We might jump together and risk falling hard and never looking back or landing softly and making it out alive. What I know is that I already miss the possibilities.