Sullen v.5



when illusions become clear

Monday, March 13, 2006

It's crazy how specifically I can relate to what a fellow-blogger (Jason) wrote in his journal recently (below). Unfortunately I haven't seen my circumstances as "clarity", but more as enormous pain. It's hard to admit when I have pain, because it's admitting I was vulnerable.. and got hurt.. or betrayed in some way... and I take enormous offense to it.. it's hard for me to not take some things personally.. and maybe I shouldn't be thinking that I "not take them personally".. because maybe they are personal. Anyway. I wish I *could* see it as clarity. In my own away message for most of they day I wrote:
"some stay and others fade away... it's good to remember those who I can truly count on.. their friendship is a blessing." In a way, it was meant to throw a small jab at some friend(s) who recently made me angry, while also reflecting how their actions made me more enlightened as to who my true friends are. It just gets old and beyond comprehension when a "good" friend almost seems to intentionally exclude you from something *all* of your good mutual friends will be at. It really hurts, in fact. It hurts more because I am someone who would *never* do that.. even if I don't like the person.. if they are a mutual friend.. or within-the-group, I always make it a point to ask where they are or suggest someone call them. heh. whatever. It's bothered me all weekend and I really shouldn't let it, but needless to say I have been in a slight rage/pain over what I feel was a snub from someone I thought was a good friend. I don't know how to react to it. I feel like saying "to hell with them all" and never hanging out with them again.. but it's too hard because I don't have the full story and I know that I'm not angry at all of them. I just don't understand how I can feel so welcomed/loved when I am with them.. overwhelmingly sometimes.. and yet feel that they consistently do not keep me in-the-know as to what's going on. . and I don't feel like I should have to bend over backwards making the effort. Anyway. ... that's all. i guess. just sucks.. maybe i'm too sensitive, but.. i just know how i try to treat my friends and would hope they would pay the same regard to me.. weird when they fail me and i don't see it coming. It just reflects 10x more what I expect from a friend when I have one visiting me right now who has been-there since 5th grade... I have good friends, and then I have false friends.. it doesn't take me long to decide who is good and false.. and who i am going to make any effort to remain loyal to. well. Below is what spawned this post.

"So many of my so called 'friendships' have filtered away. It's something that's been on my mind a lot lately and makes me feel guilty for not making the effort. But what's really happening is my life is filtering out all the extraneous junk and while the true gems remain.
I don't think I've ever been afforded this much clarity in knowing which friends to hold on to and which ones to let go."