Sullen v.5



"let it go... this fallen world doesn't hold you interest, doesn't hold your soul"

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Is this what they call freedom?
Is this what you call pain?
Is this what they call discontented fame?

It'll be a day like this one,
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in

I'm singing this one, like a broken piece of glass,
For broken arms and broken noses in the back
Is this the new year, or just another desperation?

Switchfoot - The Blues

man. i love this band... and i love this song. It just really touched me as i listened to it before i began posting. i don't even know where i want to go with this post, or if i ever wanted to go anywhere with it. It's very scary to feel so lost right now. I need to have faith... I need to start looking beyond opportunity and more into the plan that God has before me. I really have not taken enough time to just stop and listen. All of these crazy thoughts about what to do .. what I don't want to miss ... where I want to be ... the world is stretched out before me and it's a frightening thing. My own expectations and capabilities in relation to that which society might have me do. . when all i really want is to find something i'm passionate about and follow it to my maximum potential. As Fiona Apple put it, I mean to prove I mean to move in my own way. As far as *working* goes... I'm just not passionate about ANY options these days! So much of it I feel like I've already done on a small scale, and I'm not ready or willing to take it to a larger scale. I look at "full-time" work and think.. "Geeeeez... that means 30-40+ hours of my life *every week* in regard to work!".... if that much of my time is going to be anywhere, it better be at a dam good place where i can be passionate about my work and love the people i work with. The PEOPLE make ALL the difference I have found. I feel like I *have* found something I feel strongly about pursuing, but it will most likely mean starting out on a small scale... and i just don't know about it.... not to mention I would be competing for one of THE hottest places to be working right now... and as a friend put it into a realistic perspective, I would be competing for these limited jobs among mostly Stanford and Berkeley grads... and most of the jobs aren't necessarily cutout for grads at all.. muchless people with my sort of a degree. f---. And yet somehow I believe in myself and that this is where I want to be and that I really have something great to offer. And as I told my friend, that's half the reason I'm attracted to it... because they only take the best and those are the people I want to be around. . it's kind of like how I choose Pepp* over several other colleges that would have paid me to attend..... sigh.. anyway.... i don't know if i want to work there because of the competetive nature of the jobs or because i really want to be there.... .. but like i've always said... there's a reason places are competetive.. because they stand out in great ways. The competetive places have found ways to allow employees to "have their cake and eat it too." eh.. to me that means allowing employees to maintain a LIFE within their workplace... i'm all about that.. anyway.... i'm rambling.

i'm just frustrated with the whole idea of getting a job.. and then i think about travelling, but i don't really want to do that either... travelling tires me. Honestly I don't know what I want anymore. I know that I want someone to share whatever is ahead of me, with me. lol. But someone who will be the most entertaining, loving, and intelligent partner.. ready to take on the world even if we don't know exactly what we're doing... haha, and nooow i'm sounding hippy-ish.. perhaps. anyway. i'm just saying... i only want good company.. someone to be there with me when i'm finding the zest life has to offer .. and maybe they can give me a little guidance too... i don't know.... .. crazy talk... it's late... g'night g'night.