Sullen v.5



i mean to prove i mean to move in my own way

Saturday, March 11, 2006

I was just thinking ... I really wish I had someone who tagged along with me and observed my daily actions, and then tell me what I'm doing right/wrong... kind of like that movie "I Heart Huckabees." It just doesn't make sense to have stories you wouldn't believe, and yet nothing I really desire to have come from them. I think my friends enjoy my stories because they are so often out-there.. heh.. things that I don't think are normal. Granted, I don't think I'm very normal, but still.. there are things that *I* can do that aren't normal but funny (recently one having to do with my decision to cut my hair.. but I'm so burnt out from the story being told that I'm just going to save it from this journal.. for now at least.. it's like getting sick of a good song too fast).. but then there are things that happen to me that I really feel I have no personal control over.. and yet they happen and I'm like.. "Why God?" .. ok, maybe it's not that drastic of a question.. but I can't say they don't confuse the hell out of me. Like.. we were in Maui.. and my good friend actually said to me, "What's with you and bums?".. because she had heard the bum-stories before (posted in this journal), and she got to witness it FIRST hand in Maui. It's not like they want to ask me for money.. it's like they want to make things personal when there's just no logic to why. Personal or just dam awkward, I don't know how to put it. At any rate, it's not your normal bum-interaction.. it turns into drama with little initiation on my part.
And then there are things with guys. Right. Here we go, again. Things just are never normal with guys. I can't just be in a happy relationship.. nope.. i have to work through twisted games, randomness, heartbreak, obsession.. illogical crap that never works out.. obviously.. because it's illogical. Someday I'm going to be happy and look back on this and probably be wondering the same thing... "what-the-hell"... and I really hope I get to someday soon.. because sometimes I feel like I'm at my breaking point of any hope.. but there always seems to be hope.. and I don't break.

anyway. this is all.