Sullen v.5



Difficult to Accept

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Today was rough. . . rough emotionally, mostly.. but I suppose physically too since it's been complete sleep deprivation (which will carry-out at least until the end of Wednesday). I'm realizing each day that it's a time of "finals"... "final midterms" ... "final spring break"... "final convocation.." .. it's a weird thought and feeling. It's a thought that contradicts one of my favorite quotes -- "there are no beginnings and ends.. only middles" (more to it, but that's the shorthand version).

Back to rough. I'm not accustomed to failure, at all, and today .. and continuing on, apparently into 'tomorrow'... I am definitely feeling it. My friends aren't accustomed to it either, and when I try to explain to them my grief over a *terrible* midterm I had today... they just laugh it off and say.. "you alwaaays say this.." ... well really this time, I did bad.. and I'm not sure studying more could have helped the situation. Fortunately it wasn't my OTHER midterm I had (the day returning back from spring break.. can you believe it.. TWO).. that is a psychology class.. which I am depending on to maintain a 4.0 MAJOR gpa.. overall gpa -- the other classes will hurt... meaning honors is back on the tentative block. ANYWAY.. I rocked my IO Psyc midterm.. pretty sure... and failed a different midterm that SHOULD BE an easy class, but the professor is out in la-la-land when it comes to creating his tests. whatever. I'm just pissed off. I don't fail, and there are a lot of other random ridiculous things that I could mention that just piss me off about the situation entirely. ..... ... soo.. basically I've felt depressed all day... which makes me concerned again in how much of my identity I place in my academic (or overall?) success. Why can I fail at relationships and brush it off.. but nothing otherwise... I guess because, -otherwise-, it's a complete internal locus of control.. meaning there is only me to blame... no one else. . not even that dam professor. . because somewhere I believe I could have done more to not be in this depressive position of failure. I haven't received the grade back yet, but I don't want it.

It's also a time of last-minute visitors, apparently. I guess I can't blame them for *using* me since I am located in Malibu and it doesn't make for a bad spring break destination. Haha. No but seriously, I'm not resenting it... although it does mean I have to play 'entertainer' 2 weeks in a row.. this upcoming weekend and the next. Hopefully it will be better than when others came to visit because midterms will have passed and I only have 2 days of class. Speaking of which, I need to work more hours because Hawaii has taken quite a dent in my financial comfort. blah. Only there are no more hours to be offered to me. .. .... SOoo.. Cola* will be visiting with some of her UA friends/bf (Cola is a best friend and that's exciting)... week after that Ky* and his friend plan to visit... Ky, also a very good friend, although we suck about keeping in touch (however always manage to hangout over vacation), but it's just weird when a 'good friend' only calls to tell you they essentially need a place to stay.. whereas Cola and I are always keeping in touch no matter what is going on in life. Well. Maybe I'm just bitter and need to get over it. At any rate, it should be fun.. although I may be burnt out by the 2nd week of visitors. It's difficult because as much as I *love* to have my out of state friends visit, this is also a time of spending the last (?) days with my dear friends here at Pepp*.. and then we go our separate ways...... .. this reality is becoming so much more difficult to accept with every passing day. Some people I just don't want to see go. I'm not ready to move on... uncharacteristic of me.. because generally I'm always ready to take that next big step... I was more ready a semester-ago than I am now. sigh.