Sullen v.5




Thursday, February 16, 2006

.. a great word to describe how I'm feeling about posting lately.

.. maybe this is because what I write feels repetitive and/or pointless.

.. maybe because everything I write here becomes jinxed.. I don't know.

At any rate.


There really is not much to say, surprisingly enough. I'm loving life albeit with the usual frustrations. Had a lovely Valentine's Day with my wonderful girl friends. My roomie's mother was in town and super kind to treat us all to a *WONDERFUL* time in her hotel room alongside the ocean with a gas fireplace. An excess of wine, champagne.. gourmet cheeses.. pizza.. salad.. vegetables, humus, dips.. carrot cake... everything. It was amazing and a really nice time. Other than that, I had a few random interesting Valentine's Day stuff on the side, but really I don't care that much for the holiday and receiving anything. I *appreciate* the holiday as a time to remember and spend time with people you love in your life. I think the only reason I dislike it is because I can't stand to see *other* people so down about it. Why must people make it into a holiday to be bitter about? I'd rather everyone see it as a special day of gratitude and celebration for the amazing people we have in our lives.. whether that involves a particular significant other or not.

I'm not going to lie though, I still felt a slight amount of increased frustration with *the situation* in my life. I almost vowed to forget the situation completely, because it is a strain on my thinking and emotions, but I know that such a vow isn't realistic. *shrug* so. yeah. It's a shame to watch a seemingly good thing pass me by, and pass him by, but.. and I realized this while talking to one of my roomies about why I couldn't date certain people... a lot of it comes down to assertiveness. Someone too passive, and they either couldn't handle me or I would dominate the relationship. Anyway. I'm just saying, I don't want to be the one who makes any serious *first* steps for a relationship to work because I strongly feel that any guy I'm compatible with will take that lead... even if the guy of my interest might respond favorably if I *did* take the first steps. I hate being the dominant one in a relationship, as much as I enjoy control in other areas of my life. . a typical girl, in that respect, I suppose. I need a feisty guy who can challenge me. haha. But *not* a player. Ugh. Too often "feisty" seems to = player. Or maybe I just assume all of them are players, as one friend suggested I do. I've decided that I can consider myself a reformed player. . but I don't know how long this is going to last if the one I want doesn't know what's good for him. . and the more he makes me think that he has a wandering eye. . it just becomes an increasingly huge turn-off... I've played the games and can keep doing it... I'm just not enjoying it anymore.

ANYWAY. enough. Seriously -- I am still very happy with life overall, despite this annoyance. I love the people in my life, and they love me back. It's just such a dissapointment when *the one* you want to really affirm it either doesn't care, is uncertain, or scared?..

My fortune cookie last night: "Be confident in your own lovability."

Maybe this is what it ultimately comes down to, on both of our ends.