Sullen v.5



night receive this

Saturday, January 28, 2006

the only thing worse than caring, is trying not to care.

..a thought that has been ruminating in my head over and over.. it needs to leave me. *sigh*

Unfathomable what I go through in regard to relationships. I'm pretty convinced that it's some problem with *me*.. because patterns don't just happen by chance. Not to say every situation is the same, but why does it seem like it's repeatedly mostly pain with little happiness? I think "if only ____," and then somehow I always seem to get what I want (although not necessarily at the right time), things change, and then I end up being sad as hell with the situation.

I just feel like there are a lot of messed up things right now as a side result of something that could have been good, but instead became skewed as a result of not addressing the situation well/at all. I figure things happen the way they do for a reason, and that if this could/can be a good situation, then it will somehow get there, in time. Then again, I don't think much of 'somehow'. . . honestly, I think I need to pray about this. . because this isn't even about my pain, although mine is real.
Speaking of prayer. . . I am going through a spiritual reawakening these days. I don't know how to describe it, but it feels amazing. I'm *really* reading the Bible for the first time in ages, on my own, without some sort of group study or mandatory religion class. I was burnt out for a long time, but I have been studying the book of Revelations in a small group (admittedly for needed credit), and reading this has opened my heart to explore more of the Bible in-depth on my own. Realizing the magnificence of God, and the power behind the words in this book. It truly is incredible and inspiring to read. I'm not going to lie, in the past I haven't found much *joy* in reading the Bible, perhaps because my dad or some other figurehead was always trying to encourage it... and it didn't feel genuine on my own.... now it finally does... and my heart is open to God now.. my heart is really open, wanting.. so long I have been turned off.. I don't know what suddenly triggered this, but something within me has definitely made a change toward a genuine pursuit to know and feel God more personally. I feel ready to start going back to a church of some sort. Maybe not regularly, but as long as the genuine feeling lasts that I *should*.. I will.

Back to.. whatever I was talking about in the beginning.. I should just drop it, honestly. It's just.. I have a weird pain inside that is killing me. I went out with a bunch of friends tonight. They begged me to come.. made room for me in a car when there originally was no room (and so I made alternative plans)... .. I ditched my alternative plans and went with them. They give me a hard time because they say I don't care about them like I do elsewhere. While that's not true, I really do care, I also can't help but admit how disappointed I felt the entire night. I wished I could change my attitude, I wished I could enjoy their company and stop wishing to be elsewhere. It kills me to think that my elsewhere could just be a fragment of my imagination. That my elsewhere isn't what I perceive it to be. That elsewhere they don't think about wanting me the way I want them. Why. I've always been the substitute person. How can you feel so loved, only to be left questioning everything you've ever felt.