Sullen v.5



i'll see you there

Thursday, January 12, 2006

what can I say. I can't recall if it was in my last post... a little 'catharsis' I had as a result of distance.. and my guess being right, that even if things hadn't necessarily changed.. did it really mean that I was really going to pursue things differently? unfortunately, my gut was right.. and the answer seems to be no. . . why.. when most things are not nearly so obvious?.. *shakes head* I don't know.. scared, I suppose. heh. and who knows what his words mean and who they're directed toward, but I never understood those words more directly and clearly than I did when I read them.. the only reason I don't post *the words* is out of a fear I will give myself away.. and why do I have to show my hand before I know his. and it's likely he doesn't read this.. but on the chance that he does. aside from his words, another's have recently struck close to my heart: "I think pride destroys relationships" ... I don't mind posting those words because I've given up on that. I said I wouldn't continue to beat myself over the head, and if there's not an equal interest in maintaining a relationship.. I want nothing to do with it. call it my pride or whatever dam thing you want.. but that's how it is (and ps: it takes TWO people's pride to *really* end a relationship). and I guess that's what it is with my current situation. but more fear than pride, I think.

anyway.. the wise words I saw today..
I looked up as a quote and can't find them anywhere.

ugh. so anyway. it's all crap. a bunch of crap. i hate feelings, and i hate feeling lost as to what i can do. i do like the possibility of the future... but the future requires some things i'm not sure I, or he, can equally contribute. and what am i talking about.. heh.. can i really assume anything can even happen in this situation? and honestly, if nothing does.. .. *shrug* that's how it goes.. but i'm going to make the most happiness i can out of the current time... i'm really rambling... i just see my future, and don't know how it's going to be.. but do know select people that i wish could be a part of it. *chuckles* but if things somehow have a funny way of working out, i'll be racing him to DC ... because we're very competetive (although have curiously equal outcomes) .. and apparently that's the place we've decided that we would be *the first* to arrive at. and i'm sure we'll randomly bump into each other while waiting for the subway in a remote location at a random hour .. just like old times.

if you read this - I hope to see you there.

.....sigh. i really need my own laptop. ebay deal fell through and it's all a complete disastor now.