Sullen v.5



i just can't sleep.

Monday, January 30, 2006

heh. it's the truth. the only reason i'm writing in here at this RIDICULOUS hour (5:30 am) is because I have nothing else to do, I have been lying in bed for 3 hours, and I am wide awake. ugh. sigh. my mind is raciiing with thoughts.. mostly about my upcoming b-day, for some reason. I want to plan something *huge*/fun because it is my *22nd* and I have been looking forward to this for a long time. Haha, what can I say, I'm a big fan of the number 2. So anyway. . um. yeah. So this is kind of the first year I've been back at school with ALL of my friends. Freshman yr. was the only other time I was on campus for a full year with a bunch of people (rather than an exclusive group), and even then I didn't know as many people as I do now. I'm wondering who I should invite, what time most ppl will be able to make it.. etc. I want everyone to come. Problem is, the more I keep thinking about it, the list starts feeling massive. I guess that's a good thing, to have so many great friends, but at the same time... it feels uncomfortably complicated. There are many people who belong to their exclusive click, and I just kind of roll with all of these different clicks.. and am still close to each person within them. Particularly weird is thinking about the guys to invite. I don't want to sound haughty, but I kind of feel like I would be bringing together a bunch of guys who would each expect my attention. That's a strange thought. Here I am down about how lonely life seems, and yet I know that there are *many* where there has been (or is) chemistry.. and mostly not mutual (on my end), but there. Unfortunately there only seems to be 1-2 I am seriously interested in at this time.. and that has pretty much gone to hell, I guess. Umm. Anyway. This is riduclous late-hr. typing which I probably should have just left all in my head... but it's bugging the crap out of me and I can't sleep. Regardless, it would be rude to invite some but not the others.. and if they all come.. I don't know how awkward that could be.. but I don't think they all will. heh. I hope that several *particular* *do* show. ..Also.. the girls.. all from different groups.. but they all kind of know each other (although not close)... guys.. it's just a whole different complicated situation.. because I'm worried they'll be thinking, "who the hell is he?".. or "I wonder how she knows him.. what he means to her.." ... I don't know... maybe that's just me.. when I see a guy I'm interested in talking to another girl, I can't help but wonder how they met.. how close they are, etc. Then again, I'm just a crazy analyzer and maybe people are much less 'observationally'-aware (word) than I am. And maybe I'm really just an egotistical biatch who thinks the world of guys revolves around her. But like I said, it's just funny because I wouldn't have thought that until I started thinking about my b-day and who to invite... I just want it to be a good time with nothing to be stirred up. One dumb comment from someone ("remember when..") and it could really kill things for me or stir unnecessary curiosity. And I thought I didn't have baggage.