Sullen v.5



final words.

Saturday, December 31, 2005

I didn't want to go here in this journal, but it's futile trying to avoid. Inevitable that I must write what I need to write.. in whatever form I feel most comfortable.. probably because I don't want to go here to begin with. For whatever dam reason, I can't get it off of my mind *tonight*.. I guess knowing where I want to be right now, and where I won't be. Watching "Must Love Dogs", tonight, didn't help.. it was actually a lot better than I thought it would be.. I had very low expectations, and I guess enjoyed it because I could relate on some level or another. The whole "family" thing.. them trying to figure out your love life.. trying to "help" you out in the relationship arena when it's really something I don't want them involved in to begin with.
And frankly I feel like I'm losing my mind lately, in an odd way. heh. For instance, I accused a guy/good friend with threatening my life last night. I hope no one caught that post because I ended up deleting it. And it wasn't just in this journal, but I went DIRECTLY to him and said "If I feel threatened in the slightest one more time, I will cut all contact" (and I think it was more harsh than that). He was pretty-much lost with my accusation, and when I explained it, he said that what was written (in a journal) wasn't directed toward me.. although I know that many of his other posts are. I am tempted to link his journal, but hesitant... I don't know.. I'm slightly embarrassed by it all.. and am not sure it's fair to him for me to share (but why would he put it online, of all places).. I really felt strongly that the most *recent* posts were directed toward me, and snapped, even though he denied that they were. I still feel that they may be, even if not directly.. they just scared me.. and knowing his intensity with feelings. I am linking it. For my own record. heh. I trust my instincts, and I do hope they're wrong in this case.
switching modes. . to other thoughts this night. .

I thought I almost lost you forever tonight when I realized that none of my cell phone numbers had been saved with the acquisition of my new phone. Later I realized that your number was still to be found somewhere. I thought about what it would be like to leave it up to fate and hope you might call had I not found your number. I wondered how likely that might be. Sadness found its way into my thought as I suspected I might not ever hear from you, despite our past, despite our friendship.

And then anger. Why the hell is it like this. Why does my heart yearn to be close, and yet cannot hope that it will be allowed. . and still feel that it has already been there for too long. You look at me with curiosity, after so much time has passed. . and I feel slightly uneasy as I know you see through me, and I know you're thinking.. "have you changed?" *You* don't seem like you've changed -- I still understand your logic, completely. My thoughts finish your thoughts. I can't help but admit that we share a unique bond, and wonder if you were as humored as I was when I sat across the table from you as you tried to explain a thought to another girl . . and she just didn't get *it*.. at all. . and I had to help explain to her what you meant.

It's hard to know what to say. Intimate talks long in the past, and I don't know how to catch up from that point. We really haven't changed much, both still incontent. People would kill to be in your place. I don't mean that to be arrogant, but I just feel you will never really understand, or be honored, by what it meant for me to let you in as deep as you got. It is an honor. . not because I'm THAT special of a person to know, but because I can only think of very few who managed what you did. And even then, it's different. I'm not asking for any more than your friendship, but most of the time I'm left wondering if you even want that any more. I suppose you have more people to meet, and only a little time. I'm not going to lie, I'm in the same boat. . but I wonder how many people you have to meet until you realize the very few you want to truly know.

Wow, it's exactly midnight. 2006. These are my last words for 2005.