Sullen v.5



slowing down

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Seven hours and two additional, I found myself whirring down the highway as if I were in the hot seat of a simulated video game at our local pizza joint. I almost felt sorry for all of the other drivers around me as I consciously amounted the moment to a fictional video game. "Vehicles, and namely the drivers behind them, kill thousands of people each year. What a shame . . what a shame!"

Snapped back into reality, or maybe I didn't, but another world, as my vehicle zipped across those white dashes - one half left behind, opening another - familiar, but new.

And here I am - a time of discovery when everything could otherwise, easily, be wonted.

I try to remember what is important to me, and yet am encouraged to redefine "important". It's easy to associate atmospheres with what one ought to do - what one has always done. It's more difficult to venture beyond this, and recognize what is available, and what one has been missing. Me - I have missed my mother. I have missed my health. I have missed my alone time. . I have missed my faith.

Fortunately, additional associations are easily made - with practice and patience . . diligence. It's good to be home, and it's good to be taking time to associate more aspects with 'home'. It is tempting to say 'more important things', but then I realize I do not set levels of importance in my mind - or try not to - because I exercise balance, and never want to lean too strongly on any one thing too heavily for fear of becoming dependent. Dam this independence.

My mother tells me that I don't trust my instincts, and I sometimes wonder what I do trust. If there is no trust, in myself or others, there is only fear. Fear and loneliness. And yet, I do trust . . I know I do . . because I would not confide in others, and they would not likely reciprocate, if they sensed no trust.

So I am searching for inner strength these days, in new ways. Challenging myself to reach beyond what is comfortable, and move forward with the unexpected. I have found myself committed to this over the past three days, and while it has been challenging, it is exciting to be exercising new beginnings in a familiar atmosphere.