So I feel like I've had many of a catharsis (many catharsee?) today.
I see myself in some sort of executive position.
I don't know if this is good .. or what I want .. all I know is that I envision it.
This became even more of a reality today when I was checking out the new pants I bought with some of my older jackets/suits.. seeing how they went together.. because I've been debating recently whether or not to buy a new suit/outfit.
As I looked in the mirror, the reality of everything somehow set-in: "By-God.. I'm turning into a REAL woman.." (haha, I swear I could make my own version of pinoccio)... and unfortunately it wasn't excitement, but a weird feeling of dread.
I don't know why putting together outfits and looking through my wardrobe would make me feel any "different" than I have before. Heh. I spent the majority of my time in Washington DC dressed up every day. I spent my summer in a supervisory position which also required professionalism every single day in the office (aside from when I was out working with my CREW). In fact, I really can't think of a single job that I've held seriously where I didn't dress professionally.
... so why the sudden .. anxiety?
I guess, when thinking about it.. heh... it's just that this is "the-real-deal" now. Not that I haven't been building up to this moment every year of my life, but it just seems *more* serious now. For one, I've never really had to take a step back in the positions I've been hired for (only once, but even those people told me they were "frankly perplexed why you're applying here..") .. and for whatever reason, I have this weird suspicion that I might have to take a step back. People (mostly my mom) keep telling me that "sometimes you have to build your way up.." ... and I completely understand that logic.. but it's not really an option in my mind.
That not really being an option in my mind scares me because I could very well get a job in which I find myself way in over my head; however, from stories.. I know this happens to people often.. I think it's kind of a natural occurrence for anyone entering a new organization.. so maybe I shouldn't be concerned and just be confident that I AM capable or they wouldn't have hired me.
Anyway. wow.. haha.. inside I have this really weird feeling. . like I need to calm the hell down. lol.
Ah. So.. *shrug* ... it's going to be a very interesting adventure.. this New Year.. I will graduate in April, and I plan to have a job the day I graduate because I need benefits, and I will be cut from my insurance plan *the day* I graduate.
I don't know where I'm going to live. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know if I'm going to survive... haha... yeah.. I-will-surive.. that I know.
Another reality set in tonight as I was wondering how I'm going to ring in the New Year.
A good friend (Cola*) invited me to San Diego, and Jo* (another good friend) instantly wanted to go there with me when I told her about it (other friends/HUGE party happening out there). ... *shrug* I backed out. I'll be back in 6-7 days and it just doesn't make sense to make the trip out there for a short visit when I'll be having to go back 4 days later (pricey gas).
Jo* decided to stay in Phx., along with several of my other good friends who are now living out there (Jen*).. .. I was planning on going to stay with them.. but.. I backed out. I was there *yesterday*, and I should have just stayed there because it doesn't make sense for me to drive back out there today after I already came home yesterday.
...so... how does this relate to post-college? Well... so I have a *couple* of friends in town right now, but they don't have plans.. and it happens that my old phone numbers did not transfer to my new phone so I cannot contact them ...
anyway... the whole situation makes me realize how very 'alone' I feel in this city right now. All of my friends, aside from a few, have moved on to new places... and our "HOME" is no longer home for us all. I can't remember the last New Years that I've actually spent in my town without being with friends, and I think I might just be doing that tonight... and it's just kind of shocking, I guess... a reality-check.
and it makes me think this is how it might be post-college. If I go to DC... if I stay in California ... if I go to some random city .. I can't expect friends to be there with me ... and I really don't know how I'm going to network and/or find people to be friends with ... what if I'm all alone. haha. That's not very realistic, considering I have always managed to meet new people in any situation... but I can't say it hasn't crossed my mind. And I imagine there is no-way I am going to have the amount of friends that I have in college whom I see every day. Maybe if I have some sort of PR job ... but.. who knows. And if I work in a small organization and/or an older-people's (?) organization... well.. I might as well kiss my social life away.
haha. man. oh yeah, *Happy* New Years.