Sullen v.5




Thursday, December 01, 2005

oh-hoo-ray. my computer and internet are now both officially working again - FINALLY.

.. probably a good thing that it's been down since my mind has been racing with thoughts... and mostly repetitive/similar thoughts.

I don't know. Guess a low is that I've been feeling pretty lonely lately (haha, in my 'therapy'-class we do highs and lows every week.. funny how that's coming through in this journal now). Plenty of people in my life who I love and connect with, but... hm. I really just need to feel something deeper right now, because I definitely feel a sort of emptiness. I need someone who I can lay next to and feel comfort.. some sort of reassurance.. not necessarily because I'm with *them* (meaning I don't want fulfillment from mere attachment), but because they offer me some sort of inner peace. They let me know it's going to be ok.. to let me know that *I'm* ok. *shrug* Call it low self-esteem, but I think we all need special people like this. I can have inner-power, but it wouldn't be natural for me to completely rely on myself to stay strong. heh. Sure I can look to many people for this, but sometimes I wish there were just one person I could truly rely on and know that I'm not bothering them with my every thought. sigh. whatever.

I guess it's bothersome too, because I see so many chances where I might discover something great to happen if I would just REACH out. I'm too damn stubborn. Too much damn pride. It's my greatest pitfall in this area, and I will never find/get who I want with this.. I know I know I know. It's ironic, because if there's *anyone* who knows how to spot opportunity and go after it... it's me.

What are my issues. I've been around this block of topic too many times. . here I go again. Pride (a new one I've added to the list), Pickiness, Doubt, Fear of getting hurt.. *shrug* Guess I'm pissed with myself because I do have crushes.. some crushes where I have no reason to not take a chance. I guess I'm also waiting for people to give me outright confirmation that their interested... but the STUPIDITY of this is that when I get outright confirmation, or so I've found, I'm no longer interested. This isn't ALWAYS the case, but more often than for it to be mere coincidence. I am notorious for becoming disinterested after confirmation. heh... anyway.. I think it's because confirmation usually doesn't come without a latchy person. I need confirmation ... and then for that person to step back. :) ... yes it's messed up and I don't understand it.

What am I getting at besides rambling. I don't know. I just don't understand why I have major issues with calling people.. IMing them.. touching.. any sort of confirmation.. I am EXTREMELY reluctant to give any. Sometimes I wonder why I have any guy friends at all who 'appreciate' me? I don't know how to say it... only that.. honestly, I have a decent guy-scene compared to many of my friends. I honestly can't figure out why because my friends are all very pretty/fun ppl.. heh.. yet one of my friends asked me tonight when my 'last date' was because she 'wanted to hear about a 'normal life.'' Maybe it IS because I hardly confirm anything with anyone and it's the dam chase they like... and maybe that's all I'm in for too. I-don't-know. But it's not satisfying.. I do know that.

As of today I've realized that the two people I may seriously be potentially interested in both happen to have the same name. One I have been friends with for a while.(deleted) The other is the sudden-infatuation-boy (sib*) whom I thought from the day we met that I will marry.. lol, but I've given up that funny/odd thought. ladeda. Spoke a little with sib* today. yep. the more I know the more I love, blaaah. So word has it (from another girl interested in him) that he doesn't want a girlfriend because he wouldn't be able to give her the time she deserves (being a triple major). He WOULD say that wouldn't he.

Ahhh. Life!