Sullen v.5



It is always darkest just before dawn.

Friday, December 09, 2005

It isn't *natural* for my heart to be *pounding* after speaking with someone, muchless after things take a dramatic turn in events when I really thought there was no hope left. So-Much-Confusion. Maybe things aren't how I thought they were as relayed to me through the Pepp*-vine. Maybe I am reading ENTIRELY too much into this. . . however . . . when a mere acquaintance/infatuation invites you out somewhere w/ his other friends ... when your interaction/conversations have previously been confined to a certain area ... and venturing out into 'hanging out'.... I don't know how to interpret it as anything else except greatness. Granted I decided a LONG time ago that if nothing developed in a romantic way that it would be ok, because I would be entirely happy with just being a very close friend of his. I enjoy speaking with him hiiighly. The fact that I feel very differently around him is a problem, but I think I can work on the friendship feeling if that's where it should go. Anyway. I have personally been invited out, right out of the blue.

There are, of course, ensenuating circumstances I need to figure out. I am tempted to figure them out on my own though. I have only told one person, who is not connected to any of my other friends so word cannot pass.. but she suggested that I just tell anyone who is curious about my sudden 'news' (because I told a good friend that something big had happened but that I could not tell her until we were speaking in person) that I had made a decision and don't want to tell anybody because I don't want to be deterred in my decison (to go or not). I may be reading into this WAY more than I should be, but it IS an undeniable turn of events that pretty-much fulfills my dream-come-true. haha. ahhh.

I swore I would endure no more emotional beatings. I do this to myself. I have made a committment to myself (required in 'therapy'-class to write a personal contract and put it in our wallet until we fulfull it) that I would be more open to receiving and giving 'appreciation'' and that means being open more to what is thrown my away, and not running from it.