Sullen v.5



The Unknown

Sunday, October 23, 2005

I often think about what it would be like if something tragic were to happen and suddenly this journal may come to a sudden end. When other bloggers I-spy suddenly disappear for long periods of time without explanation from posting, such as Mac, I'm not going to lie... I worry about them. Is that weird? People I've never met and I start assuming the worst. heh. It's morbid maybe, but that's how I am. I think about crazy shit.. I think about people I don't even technically know and hope they're doing ok. Maybe this is why I cry so much when I randomly watch an episode of Oprah. I think I get too involved in other people's lives, people I don't know half the time (and probably why I love the show "Real World", haha).. .. people I don't even know very well.. which is why I realize I'd make a terrible psychologist, despite being a psychology major.

heh. I already know that I wouldn't be able to go home from work without carrying their issues into my own personal life.. thinking about them.. replaying things they say over and over in my head.. wondering if they might commit suicide after having them come in after a particularly traumatic event or demonstrating unstable thoughts... I just get too absorbed in it all. It's not to say that as a result of recognizing my extremeness in caring that I completely block out feeling other's emotions.. it's just that I'm cautious or only want to be exposed to it in medium doses. Again, this might be why I have issues with relationships. I imagine anyone I love.. or would give myself to.. I imagine I care a lot more about them than they would me.. heh.. I don't know....

my mother, for instance... I love her to death. I wrote this in a paper recently, but she is the only true person I can say that I have understood true unconditional love from. ahhh tears.. they always come when I start typing like this. just saying.. I love her so incredibly much.. and I'm so frickin' scared of loss as a result.. I'm always living in some underlying fear that I'm going to get a call about her, or from her, informing me of the worst.. something not good. blah. I have a knot in my stomach thinking about it. anyway. I guess I have attachment issues too.. and scared of loss.. and when I feel like she's my only real link to truth and love that I don't have to question.. it's hard to imagine or accept that the worst could happen.

.... .. so... I don't know.. that's all.. just thoughts.

random thought, speaking of The Real World or whatever... haha.. so I submitted an application today for a casting call on a traveling show. It was just something random, I doubt anything will come of it.

I considered applying for The Real World at the last minute. heh. I've always thought about trying out, but I'm always hesistant. *cracks up* call me optimistic, but I think I would actually have a shot at getting casted despite the thousands that I'm sure try out. The only reason I DON'T apply is because despite wanting to get on the show, I'm not sure I would be comfortable having my every move taped.. and I'm scared if I sent in a tape I'd get casted but not actually want to be ON the show. I've jokingly told people that I'm going to try out for the show, and EVERY TIME I've told someone this, their response is: "I would definitely watch if you did get on".. lol.. uh. So.. I think I probably have some crazy drama. And one particularly good friend (who happens to be a producer) said he's watch because I'm neurotic. hahaha. ahhh no. I don't like being thought of as neurotic, but I guess I am and should just start accepting this... Cait* said I am too... so I guess there has to be some validity to the statement. So I'm pretty unstable, as I'm sure that reflects in this journal.. and they like unstable people on the show, right? (great, what a reason to be picked) I don't even have to try.. I just am. I'm super goofy and make people laugh.. I don't want to be arrogant, but.. yeah.. I've noticed that whenever I go somewhere and meet my friend's friends.. they think I'm hilarious. They'll literally say things like, "I don't even know you and I'm cracking up!" I think I like the attention to some degree, but I'm not trying for it.. I'm just a crazy nutcase who says crazy nutcase things. And apparently I'm completely self-absorbed, as this entire last statement shows... haha.. seriously... what more could they want! And guy issues.. I have serious guy issues. I'm just not model-quality, so.. that's my disadvantage. I gotta be *hot* to be on that show. hahahah... ok.. done here. ;P Oh! And I kinda do like candidly exposing my every thought to God-knows-who.. also evident by this journal.. and I'm also lost-as-can-be as to where I want to go in life right now.. so why not delay the process and just go have fun for a while? hehe..... ...
so.. yeah.. maybe next yr. I'll tryout since I missed the casting call by 18 days.. and if I get the guts... 'cause I'll be 22 and prime age for the show then, finished with college and lost.. .haha. oyyyy.

p.s. I'd love to hear via e-mail from you, Mac, even if just to say, "hello I'm done posting" .. lol... for my own reassurance. :)