Sullen v.5




Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Jammin' out to The Format - The First Single. Great song.

"You know me -- oh you think you do.. you just don't seem to see.. I've been waiting all this time to be something I can't define."


Posts feeling so pointless these days. *shrug* Feels like I just keep typing about the same random confusing crap lately -- guys.

Aar* asked me on Sun. to "prom", or in the actual case, it's some sort of ball that they have at law school (which apparently is like an adult-type-prom).. and he is inviting me??... wow. It was funny though because he literally asked, "Will you go to prom with me??" And I was like, "What the hell are you talking about??" (well.. I left out 'hell', but I was thoroughly confused.. in fact I thought he was joking until he insisted he wasn't). So I'm kind of honored in a way, lol. This means, if I go (haven't quite accepted yet), I will need to look all beautiful. haha. fun. but also kind of scary as I'm not sure what to expect, and I'm sure I will be the youngin' undergrad. Unfortunately it is smack in the middle of my 2nd round of midterms.. but.. we'll see.. my hesitation to accept has more to do with ME than any circumstances.

On a separate note.. I was thinking.. I think that the number one thing I look for in a guy is confidence.. not just with me, but with people in general. I want him to make me and everyone else believe that he's the greatest guy in the world. heh. Which puts me in a bad position because THAT = player. And I do hate the player.. even if I fall for their games. And then there are the good guys. .the truly good guys, who I sometimes feel would do anything for me. Although that's comforting.. there's too much predictability.. making me bored with the situation... or feeling clobbered in some cases. These guys tend to become great friends in my mind. Players are nice because they give me room to breathe. And I need a *lot* of room.. then again, that makes me consider the fact that I, myself, might be a player too.. but no.. I don't think so.

Man. I'm not ready to grow up. I wish people would stop getting married all around me. Stop talking about grad. school. Stop talking about getting a job.

I have no idea what's ahead of me at this point... it's pretty scary, because I usually have some crazy goal or ambition that I know will take me to the "next level" in my life... but nothing like that has really struck me yet...

I keep telling people that it usually *suddenly* hits me where I just *know* it's God (actually had this convo. w/ Aar* recently), and the right thing to do. . . . . . still waiting for that feeling.. some sort of guidance.

I have a feeling that I might be left finding my way through some dark areas if I don't get this guidance soon.. I guess that's what scares me most right now.. I don't want to go through any time feeling stagnant.. like I'm not progressing.. but it might be necessary.. because I certainly refuse to make any big decisions like Grad. school without a guiding passion. Currently.. one thing I *know*.. I am not going to Grad school within the next year. Call me optimistic, but one thing I do feel strongly about is that I can find a great job without going to Grad. school.. at least not going immediately. Everyone I talk to is partly going to Grad. school as a way to avoid their loans. Heh. I look forward to paying off my loans in the near future...THEN I might feel more confident about going into Grad. school without a large mass of financial burdeon.

anyway. blaaaaaaaaah.

dude. I love talking to Derek* when he randomly calls. He should call me more often and accidentally wake me from naps. . and tell me more random hilarious psycho stories. lol. Random blurb, but seriously ("random" used 3x right there.. nice).

I thought things might be wierd after meeting irl, but I think things are just better. So many times he has completely disappeared from my life for extended periods of time (via online contact).. and it really does amaze me that we are still friends after *so* many years. Things are more personable, and not a bit of nervousness anymore.

On a complete sidenote.. no connection to anything.. just thought of it as a result of the phone call thing... .. waking up next to someone I love is gonna be really awesome some day.

This is it. I am peacin' outta here. Ciao tutti.