so. . . la. blah I hate crushes. rarely-do-I-crush. Seriously. I may *sound* boy crazy, but more often than not it's their interest and not mine. Just to say, I may report random things, and while I'm just having fun and find it curious.. very rarely am I thinking seriously about it... because no one just matches up to my standards.
there I said it.
my roommate said it first, and while I denied her words... she's right....
there I said that too.
I don't really feel like I have any right to be as picky as I am, but for some reason I disregard that and remain picky ... which is probably why I find myself 'alone' most of the time... haha, but whatever.. I'm ok with that. I'm *not* ok with settling.
The obvious. obvious obvious. Man. I have spoke of him several times in this journal... he's more of a mystery-guy that I instinctively knew I *had* to know better. . something told me he was going to be very important in my life.. a best friend.. SOMETHING (honestly something told me more than that, but I'm over that)...
Funny because it seems like whenever I bring this BACK up things go to heck for a little while. Like a little awkardness/tension when I see him and try to say.. feelings that he may be reading EVERYTHING here on this journal and knows my unexplainable intrigue with him... which if he DID, I'm sure he would find it a little freaky, haha. I don't know. I think if someone was COMPLETELY intrigued with me and I knew it, I'd find it kind of weird.. I don't know.. maybe it's something flattering... hahaha... WHATEVER. god I hate rambling but can't help myself.
So maybe it's me imagining random crap like he's *aware* of something and acting odd instead of FRIENDly when I see him... so I start to avoid him and stop my effort, and then next thing I know I have an AMAZING, FUN, long, random, conversation with him.
haha.. man I am so ridiculous! *rubs face* anyway. maybe he should just stop talking to me because I feel like whenever I talk to him I become way more freakin' interested!!
ok... so I have NO expectations, this is my new stance. Nothing even relating to silly-thinking comments. I just want to hang out with him .. more. :) haha. ahhh. I *never* ask guys out.. I don't think it's a pride issue.. I just have lots of options/events & then I pick something..... .. so... the fact that I want to be like, "hey can we hangout.. and like.. go somewhere?" LOL. That's just how I'd ask too. "And like..." .. .. ... .. .juuust kidding. I can't really envision myself doing that.. so scratch that plan.
I just want to hang out! He makes me laugh so freakin' much and I love our conversations! Seriously hilarious and we have so much in common from the areas I can tell. COMPLETELY goofy but dam smart. Haha *closes eyes with a sheepish smile* ok I'm going to bed.... man I don't want to crusshhhh.. noo.. no no .. I hate what I can't have... lol .... *shakes head* If nothing else can he just be a better friend and please hang out with me a lot? haha.. ugh. I want him to be in my circle of friends.
ok.. I need to stop, yeah.
How awkward was it for me though to talk about what we want in our future now that we're graduating soon - his being a family apparently. And, I quote, "waking up next to someone you love/waking up next to each other and talking".. things I'm always thinking about that would be small but important, and here he is telling me his same thoughts (making me increasingly paranoid that he may be reading my journal, haha). Are you kidding me?? WHY. why do you have to come across as perfect. seriously. Why do you have to help me put such faith in my dreams? . . when a career counselor certainly can't figure out a dam* thing. . and I think that *I've* got all the angles of analysis figured out. . and then you somehow brilliantly help me see things better in a completely roundabout/fun way.. and maybe that was only because I'm looking for the best in you.. but still... I'm giving -you- the benefit of any doubt, and in my eyes it was sheer brilliance. And I'm sorry if this comes across as really odd/obsessive, but I just want you to know that I think you're pretty special for unexplainable reasons, -aside- from the fact that I get some sort of different joy out of talking with you.
That's what I feel like I should be saying at the end of our conversations.
ok done done done.
Tell me your name
tell me your story
'cause I'm into it
running through life like a misfit
Elefant - Misfit