Sullen v.5




Sunday, October 02, 2005

I love my life. Feeling so incredibly thankful right now, and I really have no reason besides the inspiration of a song that I'm listening to by The Postal Service - Such Great Heights..
and many other new songs that have been recommended to me and bring me back to an old feeling of joy for music.
I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images
and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned
and I
have to speculate
that God himself did make us into corresponding shapes
like puzzle pieces from the clay
And true
it may seem like a stretch
but it's thoughts like this that catch my troubled head
when you're away and I am missing you to death
when you are out there on the road
for several weeks of shows
and when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home
They will see us waiting from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now".. but we'll stay

I tried my best to leave
this all on your machine but the persistent beat it sounded thin
and that,
frankly will not fly
you'll hear the shrillest highs and the lowest lows
with the windows down
when this is guiding you home
they will see us waiting from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now".. but we'll stay.


I am in love with that song. haha. For whatever reason it elicits joy in me.. to me it is living life to the fullest with friends.. and no one can get in our way.

Haha.. and I'm so happy to have a good friend who knows *exactly* the type of music I will love. I can always count on him to provide awesome-awesome music. And as I'm learning in Principles of Learning (midterm tomorrow.. fairly freaked out, but not gonna think about it right now).. the type of emotion I get from this music no-doubt makes me associate it with him in some respect. funny how that works. conditioning is a tricky thing. Psychology is so manipulative. really. Half of my psych. classes feel like I'm learning how to be manipulative. Human nature is a funny thing. Sometimes I feel like psychology is just demonstrating how people are like robots. This is why I like psychology.. it makes me more aware of how *I* am manipulated simply due to human nature.. how we process information.. retrieve info.. make judgments.. etc. etc. etc.. . similar to why I enjoy studying law, only it's not so much about controlling nature as it is about becoming more aware of how to protect yourself... rights, etc. Heightened awareness .. esp. in law and psychology.. a powerful combo. when both are understood together... ... .. maybe I should go into law ..... .. haha... j/k.. luckily my motivation in life *isn't* driven by a will for power.. to be influential, maybe, but not power. Ok. So being influential is powerful in some respect, but.. I'm just saying.. I want to be a role-model.. if people "follow" me as a leader, I want it to be because of their free-will.. not out of coercion or fear.

So anyway. Man. I am rambling rambling rambling. I have *so* much I need to get done, but not doing any of it at the moment... I need to learn more how to just "let it be" and not put so little faith in my ability. I always underestimate myself, but it's a good thing to some extent... obviously.. I wouldn't have got to the point I'm at now without that attitude.

I am just so thankful to God. Really. For giving me a beautiful family to support me. Of course my relationship with my dad has been less than perfect, and I know that has truly hindered the development of my character .. ultimately trust. I can't blame him though.. he wasn't a perfect father.. and I can't imagine how difficult it is to raise a child.. there is no handbook.. and when you have a child where traits clash.. two opinionated strong-minded-people... problems will arise. The only thing I regret is that despite my willingness to move on, I realize that I am still broken by my rocky relationship with him. My heart says to move on and forgive.. my subconscious will not let me forget. Despite this.. despite our problems.. I know he still loves me dearly.. I know that I love him.. and I can't imagine how people who grew up with situations worse than mine may have been affected.. if my problems solely with my father have cause this much of an impact on my development. Perhaps (and of course now that I am studying for Principles of Learning, I have all of these concepts in my head to pull from)... perhaps I merely was never habituated to my atmosphere... because of his inconsistency... I never acquired a learned-helplessness where I would just give up... instead I learned defense.. I never learned that the best expectation was the worst.. instead I learned to be optimistic that people change.. and inevitably a huge fight would occur that would hurt me more than the previous.. followed by apology... and again I would be optimistic... .. eventually becoming sensitized.. where there was always a heightened sense of alertness... on the defense.. and easily capable of snapping.

So this post has taken a very odd turn from "loving life" to focusing on everything I hate about life. haha. wow. Really.. I just need to get it out there.. I guess, right now, because I recognize that unconsciously I still hold a lot of bitterness inside.. I want to get over it but never fully feel free to matter how hard I try. Despite this issue... I cannot underscore enough how *thankful* and blessed I am to have my father.. mother.. sister.. brother... .. my beautiful and wonderful friends.. my intelligence.. my education.. my drive.. my ambition.. my success.. my neurotic crazy traits (paranoia, perfectionism.. etc. etc.).. my musical abilities.. *so* many other things. God thank you for so many people extending their love when so often I doubt my worthiness of their feelings, or don't understand it.. thank you for letting me know it exhists. I do not take -any- of it for granted. Thank you for my happiness God. I am really happy. So many trivial things to bring me down.. but I am *really* happy. The only thing that could make me happier is to share my life with a best friend.. a soulmate.. but in due time Lord... thank you for assuring me I need not rush... and for giving me complete fulfillment in so many other aspects of life..

I am graduating soon! Life is really just beginning! Wow, and how wonderful it truly has been so far. What an adventure. A thrilling ride. Unpredictable. Difficult. Resilient. How has time flewn by so fast? How did I make it here? So many times my vision was clouded with unnecessary fear... thank you for guiding me through..

Open the eyes of my heart Lord.. open the eyes of my heart.