Sullen v.5



As I would - As I do

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

What follows is how I would choose to write about something, applicable to my life story, if I had any real talent in writing. It is created by condensing quotations from two posts written by Jeanne. Below this little "experiment" (?) of mine, is how I literally do write it. Note the difference. haha. Or don't. It just bugs me that I want to tell my story in a way similar to how Jeanne does, but seem to lack the time/patience/talent/etc .. then again, the way I write *is* the-way-it-is precisely for its rawness. Just a lay-it-all-on-the-table type of writing that I have, because if/when I look back, I want to remember it for exactly what it was, and less of what my feelings/observations were.
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By Jeanne:
From Posts Cavil & Litigation.
"To say I'm indifferent, to say I'm feeling the viral spread of ennui, to say that I'm bogged down, stressed out, hyped up?to say all that, to bring on the callow call of paltry definitions, is suddenly unimportant. Life is a wigged-out psychic sometimes, and change is a constant presage peeking out of its crystal ball. Why, then, am I so wayworn? Where the fuck is my frisson, my euphoria?

I find that I'm glad to be left alone. Only then do I permit a sense of lenity to my own thoughts; only then can I ditch all pretense, all masks with their rouged-on grins, and slip in place the dial of contemplative suffering. I'm not miserable, far from it?but when I'm alone, without the blackguard of social obligations, I'm free. To be forlorn, to be bored, to be quiet.

Sound Bar is the café society for the beau monde?it sees a constant parade of skin and style, of men and women guised in salient fads. High heels clicked, jewellery jangled, and lips smacked in frenzies of air-kisses. It was a configuration of chic?technical, mannered, and, at least to me, fake.

Where the girls dress and the boys mess, where the women hold in their clevage the promise of power, and the men nourish their egos along with their lust. I'm no better, no worse?guilty as charged, yessir, to the pleasures of the idyll.

Alois had kept up a slew of innuendos and a wandering hand the whole night on me; I was unfailingly polite, but unwavering in my disinterest.

I felt?feel??the pang, the pain, the astringent of missing him, the other him, and I thought of May.

'Jean, sister?unfortunately for this world there is no golden mean to love. You can't average it, account for it, or try and make pretty little equations. You experiment and you cherish or despise the results, but hey, you don't start treating it like science.'

The pain is clumsy, unnatural, transient. I allow it to hurt because like René, I seek a vehement validation through the racking burn of truth, and there is no greater truth that a love that doesn't write you back.

Kisses from a distant island then. Kisses stolen from a love that has gone sleepwalking; will you wait for me to wake?"
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Nice. Two posts I could relate to, in a selective way. Anyway. Haha.. I don't even feel like writing my version anymore because I'm coming back to this "draft" a day later... and of course I tend not to post anything after waiting like that.
Just to say.. I don't know.. I don't even know why I felt I could relate to those posts so strongly.. I guess it was after going to one of my friend's 21st bday. We went to a bar, it seemed like it would be a pretty chill night. I was only there to celebrate her b-day and didn't feel like drinking.. so I didn't. It was a tuesday night, and I remember thinking how odd it was that we were in this *packed* bar on a tuesday evening.. how jaded everything felt.. who goes out to drink on a tuesday night?? Anyway. I guess it's more that way when you enter the real world, and I just can't understand it at this point in my life because I have school and such. Then again, during the summer, it's not like I was going out that often on weekdays when I didn't have class.

Blah. So. Coming back to this post for the second time. Haha. I really don't want to get around to typing anything. Eh. I dunno. So we were at this bar. I'm feeling kinda 'over it' these days.. the whole scene. Something, honestly, always crazy happens when I go out.. completely unintentional and uninvited.. and I remember thinking to myself how it was nice because it was looking to be a completely nothing-weird night.. just all the girls hangin' out. Going to another bar, and we walk by these two guys who I know are checkin' us out, and they say something.. like "where are you going??" .. and for goodness sakes.. every girl knows to ignore stuff like that... .. except Tin*. And God knows I love her for it because she is *so* random/fun.. but sometimes it just causes trouble that I'd rather not deal with. So she tells them, "Hey come with us!!".. and they're more than happy to follow with that invite. heh. I'm thinking "blah noo." .. they're hangin' with us, the minute I return from the bathroom the two guys are all up in my space and chatty. heh. blah. blah blah. Anyway, start chatting with this one guy.. fun talk.. whatever.. passing time.. later asked for my number and pulled the whole "wait I'll call you so that you can get my number"-trick. . which means I *must* give him the right number.. and I didn't want to be mean and deny a number altogether. blah. so. yeah. . . . . . . anyway. I'm swearing off going out. It makes me really mad that I can meet guys like crazy when I go out, and yet can't meet the right guy on just an ordinary day. I've decided that I'm not going to ever continue seeing a guy that I meet at a bar. Maybe my outlook will change someday.. but I don't think so for now.
So this guy has called *3 times* after 2 days now, and left *1* really sad-kinda-sweet message. . . and I feel so terrible. 1) it takes guts to call in the first place. 2) it takes guts to keep trying. 3) it's not like he's a bad guy and I really don't want his self-esteem to be hurt by this or anything. I'm tempted to call and say I'm seeing someone, but I talked to a guy friend tonight and he said "just seeing 'Lin*' show up on his phone is going to keep him interested, no matter what you tell him.. so just don't call and he'll get the hint." ... I think that's really harsh though. heh. Some of my friends have said I should call and tell the white-lie.. one friend says I shouldn't call at all if I'm going to lie. So what is it... what is the nicest way to treat this situation? It's always a situation I don't know how to handle, and I need some answers! :/ anyway. blah. screw this. the whole thing makes me feel bad. moreso because this has nothing to do with him.. it's just *me* being my over-analytical/'flakey' self (as another guy-"friend"? puts it). I'm not proud of that. blah. heh. what is it. sometimes I think I must have some sort of neediness look when I go to these places.. my other girl friends really don't have this problem, and they're cute.. in fact I'm not half as cute as they are.. in my opinion.. lol... man. blaaaah life! anyway.
.. .. so much random. random. random. On the topic of guys. A long-lost friend back from hs contacted me via IM the other night. Pretty embarassing because he was like "This is ___*! Long time no see!"... and I joked back like "Yes it's been too long my friend".. because I thought it was one of my OTHER really good friends here at Pepp* (with coincidentally the same not-so-common name) being sarcastic (because I just saw him the night before) IMing me from a different sn. I was like, "We're going to San Francisco - you in???" haha. But oh no... I suddenly realized I was very-mistaken. 'twas my friend from HS, not from Pepp. Good to hear from him though.. he's gonna go on to do some great things.. one of those ppl. I'll see at my 10 yr. reunion and be jealous that I was frickin' valedictorian but he's the one making millions. lol. j/k.. I honestly would be more proud of him than compare myself.. that's the honest truth.. I'm not too much into the making-big-money scene. I just want to make sure I have freedom with whatever I do.. what good is money if I don't have my freedom? haha. (yeah I'll analyze that crazy philosphy later). so that. and then someone on facebook I was unsure of.. suddenly realized who it was! random that he would even think to look me up! but cool. Ky's* friend who I met on a camping trip. random. I feel bad that I had no idea who he was for a while. man. he just looks different in his pic. uh. this is all for now. Was thinking of going to San Francisco with Da* and some other friends for the long weekend we have, but yeah, that's not gonna happen aterall. probably for the best. oh Da*. sigh he breaks my heart.. lol.. kidding. I miss our friendship though. it gets better day-by-day.. we can seemingly talk normally on the phone again. that's a good start.
what else. nothing.

Exams are done!!! Yes! Scores are in! First round of exams and I stand at all As. Woot!! As are so hard to get, but thank God I manage to get them in my major degree! Seriously dunno how I pulled it off. The night before it was all over I was up till 5 am trying to get stuff done.. I'll just say that much. I think I'm going to take more important quizzes with no sleep though, because it was a solid 100%!.. bringing me up to the current highest grade in the class. That makes me hap-py! Putting me back in my place though is another roomie, psych major, who happens to be in a diff. class with me... she doesn't need to study (it appears) and scores 99%.. while I got a 92% on my first midterm in the class I procrastinated on studying for... so I wasn't too disappointed considering I thought the exam was hella difficult and that I'd be staring at a B- when scores rolled in. I'm happy that I got an A- range because it gives me hope that I'm still in the running for an A. Third class... scored the second highest grade in the class.. missing only two questions. Booyah!
Bringing me to:

so uh. still alotta scores to come in.. but it's starting off as a good semester. :)