Sullen v.5



nothing to give

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Hello blogger.. world.. little rectangle box. I have very little motivation to write anymore. For one thing, as much as people may tell me my writing (not even referring to my post-style writing now) is good or excellent... that's just what it is.. "good" or "excellent".. not moving. I want it to be moving.. like Jeanne's journal. OF course, I've said it before, but her writing never ceases to amaze me.. it's a wonder why people don't leave more comments.. maybe because it takes patience to read that type of writing?.. I don't know what it is. When you start to read someone's writing, and suddenly it's not your voice rehearsing over the words in your head, but like some sort of outside narrator's voice.. haha.. for lack of better words... it's like watching a scene in a movie, where a story is being told in the background by a narrator. . . And every sentence matters. I like that. Every sentence is read in a poetic rhythm.. executed so grammatically well with flexibility.. without rigidness. I hate writing papers for professors because as much as my writing may be of the "personal reflection" type, they're still rigid gramatically.. boring, in my opinion. So what is this post really about. It feels like it's going to be about diastisfaction with life, because I have a lot I could write about right now... but at the same time, that would be a false portrayal because I truly *am* happy these days. Honestly.. it's about a disatisfaction with me. Oh, by the way, my first paper on self-esteem.. regarding "what effects your self-esteen the most?".... when I thought about it, mine is about self-acceptance. yep. As much as I have a lot going for me.. and as much as I may come off as being confident and "poised".. that is/has been my vice.. self-acceptance... in the past I have not given myself the freedom for mistakes or imperfections... and, as I wrote in my paper, it is only when I lowered my expectations to a realistic level did I rebound from some bigger issues than I deal with now.... but as much as someone can rebound.. it's not like they don't have random cravings.. or in other words, their past problems can come back to haunt them. I think I'm going through that right now.. a little bit of a relapse. . and I think it's not only affecting the way I feel about myself, but my relationships with other people as well. so true.. you can't love others before you learn to love yourself. I don't mean to exaggerate either, because there *are* a lot of good qualities I can think of... I just get down on some things.. that I start to obsess over, and then.. it's just downwards.. I'll be back though.

anywho. this is all for now.. erased a big chunk.. I just don't feel like writing.