Sullen v.5



"It's a feeling that you can not miss"

Saturday, September 10, 2005

call me crazy.. but I seriously think I met my future husband two days ago. Haha. Ok. kidding. But I'm just saying, I got one of these weird feelings where it just *hit* me --- someone I don't know very well.. but it felt like.. when people say, "you just know"... that's what it felt like. . . and I'm not sure I've ever felt or understood that before?

This was a couple of days ago when I met him.. that I felt this weird attraction/bond... where I simply *knew* *immediately* that we were going to end up as *good* friends, if not in a relationship, because there was just some sort of -different- underlying feeling when he's around *shakes head* .. I'm seriously drawn to him, and I have absolutely no reason why. I do get nervous around guys.. especially ones I'm attracted to.. and although he's attractive.. I'm at *complete ease* around him. . it's odd odd odd. . not only at ease, but soothed. hahahaha. *laughing at self* .. yeah and I sound like a crack head. man.

I really don't even know how to put it into words. I know I'm boy crazy. fine. but this is different.

so as it turns out, -circumstances- have made it so that we are in the same place at times. . . vagueness to protect anyone from finding this and knowing who it is. anyway. I'm passing by tonight. . and I say hello and make a passing joke. . next thing I know I'm pulling up a chair to continue talking after having been standing and talking for a while.

crazy. This was only my 2nd time meeting him, but I can't get him off of my mind and can't help but really look forward to the next time I'll see him and get to talk. We figured out each other's schedules and when we'll both be around at this place.. and oh there is still so much I want to know and talk about.

I believe there are *many* people we are suited to marry, and it's just a matter of finding one in the odds of those many to match circumstances perfectly to meet... etc. And anyway. He probably has like 10 million girlfriends.. I'm just saying.. I felt something unique the day we met, and now that we've *really* been introduced to who we *are*.. I feel something stronger. It's just.. nice.. because I've been actually thinking about how I should be more open to finding a Christian guy.. whereas I normally write off the idea due to thinking they're all just too straight-cut for me. He's the one who told me he was a Christian.. but then he was also the first to bring up his displeasure with some of Pepp*'s rules (drinking). . . I wasn't gonna go there immediately, but I'm happy that he did so that I was then completely free to just be true to who I am and where I'm at right now.

ANYWAY. ok so I feel like a loser typing this in my journal, right?.. but whatever.. who knows what's to come of this. maybe nothing. fine. But we're already pretty good friends after just meeting a few days ago, and I see us only having better conversations down the road.. because we didn't have near enough time to talk tonight and there was still *so much* to say.. question.. etc.

And maybe this marriage crap is just on my mind A LOT lately because EVERYONE- ever-y-one is getting married around here. So many people I know are engaged. So many people who were in Italy with me. I look around and see more and more young people (my age) with rings on their left hand. I feel like it's insanity, or that I really have not taken this issue seriously in my life. Marriage? Me? I've always said no-way.. but then I think about it.. and if my peers are all getting married.. who am I to not consider that I might be looking down that path sooner than I think?..even if I'm not currently in a serious relationship. Just because I'm not thinking marriage when dating, usually, that doesn't mean the people I'm dating/hanging out with aren't thinking about it. I don't know how to put it. Just that things could get serious on some end, and although I keep it from getting to that point.. there's really nothing to stop that from happening but me half the time.. and when I finally let the serious-factor happen.. I think it would only be a matter of (short?) time before marriage. If I were to get married.. I don't see myself as one of those people (or the person I'm dating) to be the type to wait too long in a relationship before that ultimate commitment. . and that's probably because it's naturally difficult for me to commit.. so if I *did* commit, I would know there's something inherently right about it. I don't know. It's just weird to think about. *shrug* Maybe I'm destined to not get married at all.. who knows.. I'm just saying I've been hearing about it a lot lately... and guys talking to me about it like it's just around the corner for me..
"You should just get married after graduating.." (haha, yeah like it's that easy. Find-someone-and-marry... easy for guys to talk like that I suppose..?)
or Derek* told me the other day..
"Rachael.. some day you'll be gone... some day."
That just kind of struck me as interesting.. because he recently met me in person(previous post), despite years of talking, and he really wanted me to come back to LV to see John Mayer.. a sold out concert. Of course I couldn't go, and I played off that comment he made as not understanding it... but I think he was implying that he feels there's only so much time that we have to get to know each other in person before I finally commit to someone. ... *shrugs* .. I don't know. I do kind of feel like the ball is in my court. nothing has felt right for a while though. maybe things will be changing soon.. if not, I'm in no rush.. but it's strange to think things could change so quickly with the right opportunity.

Just got the title for this post after a random song came on (a particular song on a cd dedicated to a friend of mine, a long time ago).

"it's all in how you mix the two
and it starts just where the light exists
it's a feeling that you can not miss
and it burns a hole through everyone that feels it
you're never gonna find it if you're looking for it
it won't come your way, yeah

i should've done something, but i've done it enough
by the way, your hands were shaking
i'd rather waste some time with you

well you never would've thought in the end
how amazing it feels just to live again
it's a feeling that you can not miss
and it burns a hole through everyone that feels it"

The Used - Blue & Yellow