Sullen v.5



A big amount of blab for having no desire to post

Thursday, September 08, 2005

I never thought I'd get to a point where I really have no desire to write in this thing. At least that's how it has been lately. When I first started blogging it felt like this too, and I wouldn't nearly post that much personal info. Then I got into a habit.. just writing whatever and seeing where it took me.. now... it's not like it's even a time/burden issue.. I just don't see the point or know where to start.. or it feels like I'm writing about the same old story.
I'm beginning to realize how incredibly monotonous life can be .. even if it is something different every day .. it's still all the same in an odd way. Same situation/experience, but different in that it's not the same people.. for example. Then again, I feel like I'm so apt to do the-spontaneous that maybe things would seem a little interesting to someone else looking inward on my life?... haha.. I don't know.. but that's the thing.. I'm not writing for anyone else.. so as "different"/random the things I do.. they still feel similar to me.
I need to understand *constancy* more. I know what life is to always be on the move, doing something different.. and I like that.. but I wonder if I'm growing.. do I really understand commitment? do I understand anything longterm? I'm beginning to realize (and how you just suddenly "realize" something like this, I don't know..) that I've never been a constant-type-person in all my life. I've never been one to find comfort in *one* thing and just be happy for a while.. to find comfort in a routine?.. nope.. really hasn't ever happened for any -long- period of time.
I take off to Italy for a year.. or go to Washington DC.. work for 7 months and move on.. date seriously for 2 months and move on.. and then there's just sporatic dating/qasi-relationships.. ..blah. .. so I ask myself.. am I happy? Happy.... yes. content?.. no. So what's missing. I don't know. I just don't know. Maybe it's the constancy factor, but I don't think so. If constancy made me happy.. or even got me close to that... I would stick with it... right?.. unless I have some sort of subconscious issue where I don't want myself to be happy.. but that's way too much of a psychodynamic-theory for me and I don't think it's right because I'm a smart person and think I could detect that on my own if it were true.
I think a lot. I went to a career counselor recently, in hopes that she would give me some sort of guidance in life, but I honestly knew that there was nothing she could tell me that I didn't already know. All she told me was, "It's quite evident you're an 'idea person' - you're probably one of the most self-understanding students I've met in all of my years here at the career center." All I did was pour my heart out to her for an hour with my ideas... my dreams.. my drives.. my ambitions.. my traits.. my strengths/weaknesses... my goals.. the questions I deal with.. and she had nothing to give me that I hadn't already considered/done. It kind of pissed me off, but I knew from the beginning there was nothing she could do but motivate me to act more on what I already know.

so. I don't know. I'm looking for direction in something. this is a classic setup, by the way, for a super-Christian to step in and tell me how off track I must be from God because "he has a plan" and all I need to do is "have faith.." and if only I have faith I wouldn't feel so "lost".... something like that. I don't want to be insulting to my own religion, but honestly.. lately.. I have been drifting.. and maybe that -is- why I am feeling so "lost"... I still have my faith and whatnot... but a LOT about religion/religious people pisses me off.. and I find myself being more anti-them... still keeping my faith, but pushing myself into a much wider interpretation of my beliefs. Some might say I'm accomodating my faith to an un-Godly lifestyle.. but then.. that's what would piss me off and make me go on that path anyway. ...sigh. I don't know.
I'm discovering, recently, how wonderful my roommate really is. I always regarded her as this super-Christian type.. very homely/conservative. Lately though? Wow.. I've been seeing her in an entirely different light as she's been sharing her deepest thoughts with me... and I am amazed by how entrusting/forthtelling she has been.. I told her last night how I really appreciated her honesty with me.. because it's rare when someone will say the things she has been without fear that they will be judged. I mean.. some of the stuff she's been thinking about and struggling with.. wow.. talk about something super-Christians would love to sit down and chat with you about for 3-hrs. The only thing is, I'm not sure I'm the best person she should be talking with (and I told her this), because I'm struggling with the exact same things she is... and if it's a well-rounded-perspective she's looking for.. I simply can't offer it because I have the same exact opinions/conflicts in my life.
It was funny because we were talking.. and I was thinking to myself... "This is Am-A-Zing how similar we are! Our childhoods.. problems with family growing up.. relationships.. our perspectives on how to approach it.. our temperaments about things.." ... haha.. and then it hit me! In Florence we had taken the Myers-Briggs test, everyone in the house, and for some random reason I recalled that she was an *INTJ* like myself. I think there were only 4 of us in the entire 40+ people group. Her, Chri* (my best friend in Florence), and my other friend Ki*.
I don't think the INTJ description that I have linked does justice to the dynamics of who we really are, but I just thought it was an interesting consideration. I was thinking about it, and suddenly was like, "ahha! I just remembered we're both INTJs! NO wonder we're so frickin similar!!" ......... so I think we're going to turn out to make great roomies. We've already confided in each other so much already, and it's only been 2 weeks. She wasn't someone I was particularly close to in Italy, and I was concerned how the rooming situation would workout this semester, but so-far it's working out really well. She doesn't judge me, I don't judge her, and we're figuring out life one day at a time.

Soooooooooo. Anyway. yeah.

I just sure feel a little lost right now.

I feel confused, maybe a little anxious, but I'm not unhappy. Every day I'm really loving things so-far. I'm different.. in weird ways right now.. particularly with guys.. heh. Cait* finds humorous pleasure in calling me a "guy magnet" .. and I *really* don't think this is true.. it's true that I have some random issues .. but it's not like I find interest in just-anyone who comes around or hits on me.. there's just occasional invited randomness. And I'm usually caught off-guard by it, honestly. Attention is not something I expect, but I can't say it's something I don't receive.
Cait* and a few others have been expressing intense disatisfaction with their guy-scene on campus, so I'm going to try and help out.. although I *really* don't think this is my forte at all. It confuses me because these girls are really smart/beautiful.. there's no reason why they should be feeling any different than me.. although I let them know there's not really that much satisfaction in my position either. I learned in social psych. today that most people would judge themselves better than avg. .. and maybe it's because I have low self-esteem (although I feel like I have pretty avg./high self-esteem and friends seem to agree.. sometimes bordering on a little silly-arrogance too).. but I think I tend to judge myself less than I am all-around. In my ability academically.. competence... image.. *shrug* I dunno.. I just know that I always seem to pull through with As when I am convinced "this will be the time I fail".. and have a lot more attention than I feel I can justify.

soo. I don't know, once again, where the heck I am going with all of this..

for someone who doesn't have any will to post.. I sure make up for any lack-of-will with this post. This post reflects life too at the moment.. just all over the place and who knows what's next.