Sullen v.5



Such Good Advice

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Horoscope today:

"Fake it 'til you make it. Even if you're currently feeling the teensiest bit less than confident, you really do have the goods to back up all the hype. So stand up straight and smile until your self-esteem returns to normal."

And a special thank-you to a person who recently wrote thanking me for my candor in the last post (and I will still get back to you).

Today really does feel like "fake it 'til you make it"-type-attitude. My self-esteem right now? ... not as high as it usually is. If I had a couple of days off to get myself together that would be nice, but I don't: I have to go conduct *lots* of business where there are some loose strings still: financial, work, etc.. And I just don't feel up to any of it right now. I'm noticing a big problem that has to do with vanity and the connection I tie with it to success. I can't help but be a psychology major and know the importance such things have on people's outlook of you and getting what you want in certain cases (whether it be quicker attention in a line of people, special priveleges that don't really matter...) .... wow.. this post is seriously revealing the more terrible and insecure side that I have.. perhaps this is why I enjoy reading Hachacha's journal, despite an almost crude approach that she takes in her posts.. I wouldn't say I'm as extreme as her (I would be if I were still in sales).... but there's a side of me that is very business-oriented.. I don't like to wait when I'm on a tight schedule (which is usually).. I don't like to be 2nd when I deserve 1st.. my appearance is impeccable when I go to work for the sake of getting that next promotion, demanding respect, portraying to others that I *do* care about how seriously I am taken..
And so when I feel less than put together, it's harder for me to feel like I deserve any of it. That is the downright sad truth.

Anyway. I am going to take on this day.. because I feel like I'm beginning to be borderline obsessive with my thoughts.. and I really need to stop such negative thinking and get over it... blah.