Sullen v.5



ramblings. online friends. work.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Weird because a few days ago I wrote a post regarding my friend "Derek"(2); however, I've always dubbed my good friend "Derek"(2) as "Der*" since I had another good friend before him also named "Derek"(1) .. and so that name had already been taken in this journal before I became good friends with Derek(2).

Confusing?.. yeah.

Recently I decided to change Der* to Derek* because I hadn't heard from the other Derek(1) for a very long time now.. until tonight. . so now. . I've decided it's a bad idea to try and change nicknames in a journal, because you just never know when/if the other person will come back into your life sometime.. and even if they didn't.. I really shouldn't go changing names for the sake of preserving the information-flow(?) in this journal.

Anyway anyway. Very interesting to hear from him tonight. I get an IM from him saying..
"Rachael... where are you?"
"hey? I'm in Cali."
.. a few min. later, after my response, my cell rings and I know it's him..

Talked for a good 2 hours.. stuff to catch up on.. and unfortunately he's going through a recent heart-wrenching breakup with his long-term Pepp* g/f (3 yrs). I've known him since.. 7th grade?.. always kept in touch throughout highschool.. he lived in LV... one day I announced my final decision was to attend college at Pepp*... 1 week later, literally, he ironically met a girl who was also going to attend Pepp* (the same year as me) and started dating her. weird huh?
I remember being kind of dumbfounded and thinking it wouldn't last due to their sporatic meeting and long-distance issues, but when it did.. year after year.. I thought good for him, to be so happy..
I think I was slightly angry/jealous initially, because he always treated me as #1.. told me things like I was going to be the girl he married someday.. ladeda.. you know.. things that sound sweet, but I was mature at that age (I really was) and regarded him as a confused boy.. sweet.. but confused.. and I was ultimately scared about how I increasingly felt drawn to him. Had he not started dating that girl, I think I might have been on the verge of letting down my coldfront and spilling my heart.. but never did, thank God?

And sometimes I think he was my first love, in a weird way.. not true heart-wrenching love, maybe.. but *very* close to me despite some issues. I'm sure, if I looked back into the earliest archives of this journal... I'd find myself "getting over" him. He's right though... "the truth is, the only way your feelings can ever go away for someone you love is once you replace them with someone else.." (said tonight) .. it's the sad truth.. especially after a breakup.. you just keep thinking about that person.. and thinking (good and bad).. until finally, someone else arrives whom you are compatible to love. Simple concept, but true. And I don't know.. it's the way he talks to me with such conviction, and his words (sometimes simple, but still deep) of wisdom.. and some mystery (like asking "where are you?" and randomly calling my cell the minute I respond).

so.. yeah.. I don't see any hope between us now, especially because he has always known my serious *issues* with commitment/long-term relationships (if anyone knows, he does... something I'd say he struggled with for a very long time to understand, but I think I started to think his antics were a game.. playerish) and I would never allow myself to be the rebound now.

But it turns out he has recently moved (back) to California as well.

Truth is, our friendship, as strong as it is.. and as many long heart-felt phone conversations we have had, we have never met in person.

It was through a helping service that we both participated in (ourselves acting somewhat as "teen counselors") that we found each other in this weird world online.. and as I told him tonight.. it's strange because after I met him (and a few other people) online, it's not like I ever met anyone else who I stayed in contact with.. ever again. Him, Pa*, Mat*, and Matt* would be the final people (still today) whom I met online and continued to stay in contact with.
I have serious issues with Pa* because he is *not* a realist, and sometime 2-3 yrs. ago decided he was very-seriously "in love" with me... and I really don't know how to handle the type of intensity he describes feeling.. it's flattering, but I could never realistically date someone whom I only knew through online/phone (hell I can barely manage dating someone via long-distance real-life-conditions), and I just don't feel anything like I oddly do when I speak with Derek(1)... I can't describe it as anything except feeling completely genuine, fun, and comfortable when I speak with Derek.... but I *am* a realist and stop short of thinking anything more than being good pen-pal-type-friends. Derek is also responsible for a lot of the music I enjoy today. So many classic songs from my younger days remind me of him, and Coldplay's "Yellow" does the most (one of the first recommended, perhaps?.. I can't recall why).

Other friends: Mat* is my notorious fun flirter... we both do, for fun (mentioned before).. and I think we both have no idea why we do.. haha.. but he has given me such great insight into life as well, and has really helped me in my spiritual walk (we both have been there for each other in that respect). Matt*... we rarely talk.. we don't flirt.. but just bounce off each other's comments... every blue-moon he'll comment on my away message.. so I know he's checking in on me once in a while (probably occasionally reading this journal too :P)... he's also my tech-savvy-comp-sci-friend (as are Pa* and Mat*).

Anyway. *sigh* I have no idea where I'm going with this.

Derek has told me before, when we had a long phone convo. during my stay in DC, that he is terrified to meet me because he's intimidated.. or something. lol.. it was kinda cute.. but seriously.. that just makes *me* more scared. I would be fine with meeting him. We've made semi-efforts, but I never really made any effort during the little time I was at Pepp* because he was dating the other girl... who I could point out and recognize (as she could me) but had oddly never met him in person, but I just didn't want to come between them in -any- way.. "just friends" or not, it would have been awkward.

So.. now.. we're talking about seriously meeting.. and I think we should too.. but he really needs some time to himself right now (even though it's probably the time people hate to be alone the most.. a few weeks after a breakup.. the first week = alone/depression time.. following weeks = distractions/depression).

Anyway. Rambling now. It's very late and I was just completely shocked to have spoken with him tonight. . needed to think things through here.. or just get it out.

Other than this very-long post. Not much to report. Hung out with Tin* and friends.. "40 year old virgin" was sold-out.. so we were forced to see "Deuce Bigalow 2" (worst movie ever) and then saw "Red Eye" (pretty good). Caught up with Mik*. Got one of my old jobs back. They originally told me that "the new director has decided not to have a student helper this year due to the confidentiality issues"... however the director called me back a few minutes after they told me there was no job available and offered me a position after hearing "raving reviews from everyone in the office" (thought that was pretty nice of everyone). She asked me if it would be ok if I did a lot of the work from home.... ??? Hahahaha...... is she kidding me? Um yeah, I think I can handle working at home. YES! How much better does it get? .. they will also be expanding the hours they can offer me which will entail coordinating certain events.. ... ... uh, perfect? Yes, sounds pretty frickin' perfect to me. Plans to meet with my previous supervisor next week for lunch and discuss the job and the future direction it will take.

I still am going to try and get a 2nd job tomorrow which will allow me to get paid to "work" while really doing homework. We-will-see.