Sullen v.5



Oh the possibilities...

Friday, August 19, 2005

Lazy with posts, lately. My work officially ended last friday, and now I seem to have a lot of time to just do *nothing* (except prepare for my return back to school). It's a really nice feeling to just have *nothing* to do. . . something I'm really not accustomed to at all. Once I'm back in school I'm sure I'll be overflooded with too much to do, and although I love running on adrenaline, sometimes I accidentally run myself into the ground on that adrenaline. Stress-free. . it's a nice feeling, but one I'm not ready to accept once I graduate college. I meet too many college-grads who get home from work (the 'real world') and simply just have nothing to do with their time. . gaining weight. . killing brain cells (haha, jk).
That's the only benefit I see of going to graduate school right now (which is kind of sad) - a social network continued beyond undergrad. I guess that's my only fear of getting into the 'real world' of work, and moving to any random city for that work (honestly I'd like to end up somewhere completely new once I decide to work - see more of the US/world? while I'm still young). . is losing some sort of foundation of friends. . everyone will go their separate ways to graduate/work, and I really don't know what I'm going to be left with.
I look at my parents, and how they graduated. . married in college. . they had each other after graduating. . they had a family to start (both my sister and I were born while they were still completing their degrees). Me?. . I certainly am not getting married. I certainly am not going back home to live with my parents. It makes me feel like I need to get a boyfriend *now* . . haha. . but, that's never really worked for me in the long-run. . maybe if I found the right person, but there are always circumstances that seem to prevent a really enriching relationship. . namely the moving-factor. And I guess I'm too selfish (independent?) to be in any serious relationship right now, because I have *my* plan (although I am still not sure of my plan :P, but once I get it.. it's going to be sporatic and probably the right thing?) . . which makes me think I need to back-up with that logic.. because I feel strongly it really is not *my* plan, but God's plan. . but God giving me freedom still to take the reigns and go in one of the many options available (I really do not believe in any "ultimate destiny", at this time. . no fatalistic approach to life, iow).
Anyway. Rambling a little. This post really summarizes what has been on my mind *a lot* this summer. "What am I going to do with my life???"
My mom gave me this book to read - "What Should I Do With My Life?" (some title like that, it's a #1 best-seller and I really should know the title), and while I thought it might be inspirational somehow... it really hasn't been. Really it makes me feel like, "omg. . I'm going to end up like one of these people. . 50 yrs. into life and feeling incomplete."
Haha.. so.. the one thing this book *has* really made me reconsider is "What do I *really* love doing? What motivates me? What makes me feel 'alive'?"
In many ways, the job I had this summer did that. . . which has made me consider becoming an 'event planner'. . and I think I would prefer working for non-profit companies because I think I'd get corrupted/angry with how jaded the corporate world is. I want to be respected for what I do, not a slave to some snobby-loaded-money corporations demanding the world. I found the seemingly *perfect* job online, recently, and while I'm not sure it will still be around once I graduate. . it's nice to know it exists. It involved working with scientists.. researchers... publicists.. volunteers... coordinating their activities/events.. etc.. and it pays more than what I expect *at a dead minimum* to receive coming out of college (30k). I love it because it involves networking with people I understand and respect (scientists/researchers - afterall I was considering a *career* in neuroscience).. working with people who have a good heart/passion for what they're doing (volunteers), and people who help me do my job better and who I'd want as good friends - publicists. Plus it stated the work environment is with "energetic individuals". . meaning, imo, a young environment.. which is what I like. Anyway. So it seems like the perfect job, but of course.. I'm not seriously considering that right now.. just giving an example of where I think my heart may really be.. what would keep me waking up in the morning and getting out of bed. :P I've been known to just sleep-in repeatedly and be late for jobs I really was not into, but then again that may have been because they really didn't seem to care. . so yeah, important to have a job that gets me up and to work on time (this summer I was not late *once* to my job).
*heavy sigh*. . anyway. So.. just a little lost right now.. it's not a good feeling, but not bad either.. just a little frightening.. I'm not one to really leap into decisions though before really thinking out options.. so.. there are options.. I'm just droning on with thinking about the possibilities.