Sullen v.5




Thursday, July 14, 2005

I've already linked her as a recent addition on my I-spy list, but I cannot emphasize enough how really great I find Jeanne's journal -- especially this recent post.

The post represents everything I fear about a relationship.. and every consideration I have in/beginning a relationship. It *is* a very pessimistic approach to take, and I'm sure it is the culprit behind many things gone awry for me in different areas: relationships not starting when they should.. relationships beginning when they shouldn't.. leading on/not being direct enough in saying that there is no chance of anything, ever. Various things that I am seemingly stupid about. Really, it's come to that. I wish I had a history as clean as my academic record when it comes to relationships. Consistency. Predictable. Focused. Future-oriented. When I think of my relationships (intimate), most of them are a blur.. sadly. Most of them never had a chance to develop to the extent they could have, and I mostly blame myself for that too... I have this uncanny ability to start relationships that I can easily escape from due to a moving-situation or other committments/complications I *know* are coming in the future.. despite myself *really* caring for that relationship.

And I think her post best represents how I feel about it often. How scared I get, especially when I care.. and how I will purposefully enter with an escape plan.. or not enter at all. I've often laughed about it to myself.. how *ridiculous* it is... how I'll probably be making the news someday as a runaway bride who seemingly had it altogether but had second-thoughts. lol. Just-kidding. If I marry, I know I'll be committed.. and I easily accept that thought because whoever I marry, we'll both fit into each other's lives perfectly.. i.e.. I wouldn't want to be doing/going anything/anywhere without that person. Not to be obsessive about it, we'd both need our space once in a while, but that there is no better idea to me than to find someone I can truly relate to and really want to have right next to my side throughout life.

And honestly, I'm willing to take my time, if that's what it takes, to get that..

I want to have fun. I want to feel 'wanted', but I don't want that to the extent of it possibly tainting what I *really* want. If I know of a committment/complication ahead of time, I don't see why I *would* start a relationship *too early* to allow more complications when it comes to breaking it off. So I think I (unconcsciously, this is -- I'm never doing this consciously lol.. I swear I'm not that crazy .. I'm just psychoanalyzing my situations right now) ... I may enter with just-enough time to have fun and get out before it becomes too hard to say goodbye.

And that is a main problem.. because there are *always* going to be committments/complications I guess... but I think I feel after undergrad. things will be a lot more mellow/focused, and I'll be able to seriously have a consistent plan instead of sporaticness. I don't ever do things half-assed, or try not to.. so if I'm in a relationship.. it's going to be good.. I'll lay my heart on the line.. and be committed. For now, I just don't see how that works into my life... and *I think*, being both honest to myself and *whoever*, *that* is why I have such a rocky past with relationships.

It's weird though.. the older I get, and the older the guys I date get (haha, adhere to the 5 yrs. up rule, although typically/preferably 2 yrs. up).. the more I am asked about my future plans.. where I want to live.. my outlook on marriage and why I find myself 'different' from my sister (seems odd that this comes up, but it does a lot.. I suppose because they eventually learn of my sister's supposed-and-likely-marriage coming up). It's difficult to be honest in these areas because I am *really* in limbo mode right now.... a 'who knows' sort of thing.. and I kinda feel like I come off as a flakey/confused person. Haha, and it's no lie that I *am* confused, but still... I guess I just wish I had more things together, and feel more prepared to start committing to things aside from school/work... we'll see.